The most heinous lies from the Con-men.

Are the ones that claim we owe them something.
That these accountancy devices are "real" operational debts.

And that it is their "right" to threaten to kill our club.

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Moving on, some of you may have seen the BBC Panorama expose called "How to buy a Premier League football club".
I'll follow on from that with something here.


THE CON ARTISTS GUIDE TO OWNING A FOOTBALL CLUB

Question and answer session.

PART A
1)Buy a club for x million. Dress it up as some massive figure, and

never tell anyone the true reality.

But only put down 20% of what the club would be worth to a bank, free of debt.

(In reality, the club will already have debt, so you'll actually pay pretty much bugger all)

2)This scam's brilliant, because you get to control all the money coming in on day one. So you basically cant fail.

So say you spend 8m to get a controlling interest in Cardiff, you could sell ONE player the next day and get 5m of it back! Nice!.


Pretty soon you can pretend its 80m debt. And no-one complains!
I'll explain now.


3)Ok now lets make up a big figure of millions to add ontop. Call it "interest".

4)Add that figure onto the clubs accounts. Keep adding up extras each year.

5)Result? You can take out profits every year without having to pay tax. How cool is that? I mean profits from 78MILLION. And you only put about 8m in in the first place! Nice!

PART B
This bits easy!

6)Fool mug fans into thinking "the owners never profited".

7)Fool the fans into thinking it was the owners not the fans who paid for the purchase.

PART C
8)Not enough profit for you in the above?

OK build a new stadium. Say it costs 30m ( complete with land given free by the taxpayer). Tell the taxman and mug fans it cost 60m, and add a mega interest rate, because.. well it would be fun, wouldnt it?!

9)Let everyone who's a major contractor feed on it. Sell EVERYTHING associated with the club -future ticket sale revenue, catering for £5 beers, EVERYTHING.

Means you can build a stadium for pretty much bugger all of your own cash.

10)Remember that mega figure you made up- yep the supposed 60m stadium? Ok well add that to the debts, but ofcourse dont tell anyone it didnt cost you anywhere near that.

Ok lets slap aload of interest on. Thats some nice tax free profits for a good few year, dont you think?

PART D
11)Ok this is interesting. But I want more. Much much more.

Well how about selling players every year- like the ones you inherited. Could be 5m or so there. Maybe more.

12)Nah.. I want more more MORE.

Ok release the stars, cut the wages. Bring in a new manager. Give the fans some shit about " a new dawn". Attack the old stars. Give it some "no-one's bigger than the club". Fans always fall for that.


13)But how can they be so dumb? I mean they're bound to see thro it?

Nope we just pay a few people in the press. If they dont go along, we ban 'em from the ground. And in any case, its the TV cos that can get their snouts in the trough with us. We even put our pr firms on fan sites, pretending to be "fans".

You've gotta laugh, they always fall for that one.

PART E
Look I wanna be sure we never get rumbled.And that I'm gonna have a nice profit ontop.How?

14)Well we'll never get rumbled because the media are on our side.
And the fans are just brainwashed. We tell em "give us money or we kill the club". I've got a phrasebook of buzzwords that send em all into a trance any time you get nervous.

Here's some:-
"Move with the times"
"In( insert current manager here) we trust"
"Historical debt".
"we owners love the club as much as you do"(I wouldnt do this one on camera, as it can be hard to keep a straight face, can't it?!)
"no one ever made money with a football club" ( this one REALLY makes me laugh.... heheheh!)

Oh and getting the cameras show you punching the air when the brand scores a goal-down or whatever its called. Thats always good for the brand. Fans are always sucked in on that.

Any way, we've scammed loads of clubs. Ever heard of Man Utd, Liverpool, Rangers, Portsmouth, Leeds, Arsenal, I could go on all day.
The thing is, while the fans hate other clubs, they'll never join up and fight us.

15)Ok so we put down bugger all to buy the club, and milk money out pretending its interest payments? Something the fans are conned into thinking is justifiable.

And we can sell players, and cut wages. We can also milk cash out from stadium building and bullshit like food sales, and ticket sales upfront.

How else can I make cash?

Well, ticket income is huge. And the funny thing is, we dont have to invest anything to get it.
We just sit on our arses.
If something goes wrong we just blame the manager and bring a new one in. And even if less turn up at the gate, we still charge a fortune, so we still make more cash!
And we can always tap into the brainwashing.

We'll call anyone who boycotts a "plastic" or "glory hunter" or "disloyal".

So we f**k em if they turn up, we f**k em if they stay away. And we f**k em, win or lose! I love this business!

And there's television money.Whether its Sky at home, or in the pub, we can get HUNDREDS a year per household. And cheap shit with a brand logo, ooops "club badge" on. Shirts can sell for £50 and we make em in a sweatshop for £3. CANT FAIL!

Then there's all the advertising.License to print money.

16)OK I like all this advertising stuff. And all this TV money.
What else?


Well I'll explain that later. But we have to trend carefully on some things.

You have to remember, this is the "great unwashed". They're peasants, coolies, but they know more about Football Union or whatever its called, than we'll ever know.

We can never admit it, but it was actually these mugs, sorry "customers" that made the whole thing.

Now thats not healthy for a business. So we need to put them in their place. WE have to look like the experts, they have to look like the novices. I mean a "football club" is all very well, but it impedes our ability to make money. So we must confront them.

Changing colours is a good idea.Telling em, "we know best, so shutup".
It puts down a marker. It tells em "dont f**k with us".

17)But there would be outrage? I like putting them in their place, but how?

Simples. Candy and the stick. Agree to it, and you get some candy, little kiddies. Have a tantrum and we'll kill the kitten.

OK so whats killing the kitten?


Remember that 78million?

The one that doesn't actually exist? The made up figure?

Yep you gottit. We say "give us the 78 million back or we kill the club".

So you demand back a 78million that was never spent in the first place or you kill the club? Cool!

Er no, we just tell em we'll kill the club. But they don't know that because we've spent money brainwashing them.

I mean we cant actually kill the club demanding these pretend debts because, well it just isnt possible.
I mean I'm not gonna change a brand new stadium into a a steelworks am I?
And those customers are loyal to Cosway Cardiff, not the Swanseashire Swans or some other brand?

Funny thing is, the only way of killing a club, is by them agreeing to what I'm demanding they support.
I mean once a club's called Cosway FC and plays in red all over Europe and Asia, its pretty dead anyway isn't it?

But don't worry because they're all in the trance still, aren't they?

You mean dead as a club, but making a few quid as a brand?

LOL you're learning, my son! You're learning!

Yeah I'm not reading that