FRIDAY JOKE NIGHT

"We will, we will rock you".

Not what i wanted to hear on my first night in a Saudi Arabian prison.

NEWS HEADLINE: Swansea man caught masterbating with bread.

Must have been f*cking his naan.

My wife reckons she's Rihanna's biggest fan.

Can't see how though, the fat fucker's only got her first alb... Oh, I get it now.

"Push it!", my wife screamed.

"I'm trying", I replied, covered in sweat from head to toe. "I can't push it any further."

"Harder!", she yelled. "I'll rock back and forth while you push with your whole body."

After exerting all of my strength, I went limp.

"Is that all you've got?", she yelled furiously.

"Shut up, you fat c**t", I snapped. "How about you get out and f*cking push, seeing as it was you who got us stuck in this ditch."

Got fired from my job helping first time mums.
Apparently, getting Adam Ant to pull a gun on them and shout 'Stand and deliver' is not very appropriate.

I was out on the town when a attractive black woman approached me and said "fancy walking me home big boy?" I replied "f**k off! Africa's 3,600 miles away!"

4 big bastards kicked f**k out of me last night...
against all odds i managed to knock one out,
probably not the best time for a wank..
but i figured it could be my last !

I was out on the town when a attractive black woman approached me and said "fancy walking me home big boy?" I replied "f**k off! Africa's 3,600 miles away!"

4 of your 1000 th post got your speech ready ?

4 big bastards kicked f**k out of me last night...
against all odds i managed to knock one out,
probably not the best time for a wank..
but i figured it could be my last !

People say that marijuana is good for you because it's natural, but they don't realize that just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe. Want to know what else is natural?

Bears.

My grandson came round to visit yesterday and when my wife went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea he said, "Grandad, why does Grandma always smell of wee?"

"Well, you're six years old now so I guess that I should give you an honest explanation", I said, putting an arm around his shoulder. "Now tell me Charlie, have you ever heard of a golden shower?"

I was out on the town when a attractive black woman approached me and said "fancy walking me home big boy?" I replied "f**k off! Africa's 3,600 miles away!"

4 of your 1000 th post got your speech ready ?

Bloody hell thanks for pointing that out, I didn't even notice! Only 3 posts to go now!

I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shat myself.

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

I was out on the town when a attractive black woman approached me and said "fancy walking me home big boy?" I replied "f**k off! Africa's 3,600 miles away!"

4 of your 1000 th post got your speech ready ?

Bloody hell thanks for pointing that out, I didn't even notice! Only 3 posts to go now!

a milestone on this forum better have a good speech ready

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

I went to a fancy dress party last night, we all went dressed as detectives. Saw my black pal Leroy naked with a plank of wood up his arse, "who have you come as Leroy" I asked, he replied " MAGNUM".