Monday joke

Two Scouse cellmates both writing letters home, one turns to the other and says. 'Ow d'ya spell Darryl. " The other says "you don't know anyone called Darryl""I know!" replies the first lad, "I'm writing to me Ma & asking her to send me a pair of shoes Darryl fit me!"

I just received a letter from the RSPCA regarding my mistreatment of animals.

I would respond, but I can't find my quill.

"How was giving a lecture to the new students?" my wife asked.

"Like sticking pins in my eyes," I replied. "I asked them to choose a subject matter and they chose me!"

"That's good, they obviously look up to you," she said.

Stupid bitch doesn't understand VooDoo.

My brother's only mate is a right dick. So I said to my brother,
" You're as bad as Quasimodo you know. "
" What do you mean by that " he replied.
" you're only mate's a bellend! " I quipped.