Joke thread

went on a backpacking holiday with the wife.

On the first night I said, "I think there's a monster under my bed..."

"Grow up," she replied.

"No, really," I continued. "It's hideous..."

"Stop pissing about," she snapped. "I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk."

"You won't like me when I'm angry.

Because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources."

The Credible Hulk.

wife came in wearing a basque, fishnets and high heels and shouted "Superpussy!" I looked at her and replied "ermm, I'll have the soup!"

My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you f*cking pay for this!"

For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.

Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.

Lionel Messi goes to a nightclub & pulls, obviously.... he's Messi!

He takes her back to his hotel room ... In the room the girl says, " make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back."

When she comes back, she finds two naked men next to Messi, and she screams. "What the hell is this? I never signed up for an orgy?"

Messi says nervously "I'm sorry did I not tell you? These are my friends Xavi and Iniesta. I cannot perform without them by my side!"