Paddy and Murphy!!!

went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to murphy,and said, "murphy me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?"

Paddy says, "Well Murphy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart."

"Ah, dat id be grand," says murphy!

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when murphy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?"

"Well murphy, says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear".

"Ah tat'd be grand" says murphy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when murphy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"

"Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Murphy " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Murphy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, murphy stormed into the house once more. "murphy shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

He's back

paddy and murphy on a flight to spain they settle down order a drink then paddy says to murphy paddy if i open that door will we fall out murphy says be jasus no we been friends for years

The classic...

Paddy is walking down the main in Gonaatomorrow when he Murphy outside the local Pet Shop with two shotguns. How ya doing ya bollox he says, are sound as pound Paddy, been watching that Dangerous Sport ting on Mick's new telly, dead good it is an all so I'll be wanting to do sum o dat now. Fecking ell Murph, Micks telly has no picture how ya going to know what to do like. Ah tis grand, we got da sound working now so I knows all about it.

Murphy thens goes into the pet shop and says I'll have that little fecker and that little fucker, Ah be jesus Murph what the feck you'd be wanting two parrots for now ya bollox. Ah Padyy tis a dangerous sport like you want to come?

Paddy jumps into Murphys truck and Murphy drives up to the tallest cliff in all Ganaatorrow, put a parrot on each shoulder and then jumps whilst shoting both shotguns. Needless to say Murph hits the ground splatter. Paddy thinks to himself be jesus these dangerous sport are f*cking dangerous.

The following day Paddy meets Mick outside the Pet shop. Arrhh top of da morning Mick what ya doing like. Will I'm going to do a bit a dis dangerous sport ting, I tink Murphy fecked up a bit loik and dis is grand. Mick goes into said Pet shop and says I'll that little fucker an the big ugly one. What the feck da ya want two hens for yer silly bollox yer say Paddy. Yer comming to watch, tis dead good dis says Mick...

So its up to cliff they go, Mick puts one hen on one shoulder the ugly one inside his shirt and jumps..

Aww feck thinks Paddy as Mick hits the ground with a bang, thats fecking dangerous allright and wanders off back to Micks house and switches on the TV to hear all about the Dangerous Sports.

A few days later he's again walking down the street and see his old mother outside the pet shop.. Hello Ma what ya doing?

Arrr I'm just going in to buy a budgie for yer old Aunt Mary now.....

Paddy throws a wild one...Ya ain't going in there to buy no fecking budgie it's fecking dangerous as feck ya bollox.

Eh? What the feck ya on about now, ya been on the guiness again.
No Ma says Paddy, I been listening to that Dangerous Sport ting on the Telly.

Porr ole Murph is dead, he done dat parrotshooting, then Mick got killed hengliding and I'll fooked if let ya do dat budgie jumping now

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

Fookin classic anymore?

CLASSICS

Any chance you can go back to Sheffield Good to see ya back Chief

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Murphy, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'






'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.