JOKE TUESDAY

I dumped my cross-eyed girlfriend today after I found out she was seeing someone else.

After my wife died, I had her stuffed and mounted outside in her honour.

f*cking birds won't be eating my crops anymore

Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought 'hang on a fuckin minute?...'

Two midgets walk into a brothel, determined to get their freak on, they are put in rooms adjoining each other.The first one walks in to find a beautiful woman naked and willing on the bed. He tries all night to get an erection but fails miserably, meanwhile hearing his mate in the next room going "1, 2, 3, urgh. 1, 2, 3, urgh".Annoyed that his mate is getting it on in such great fashion, he gives up and goes to sleep.In the morning he wakes up, leaves the room and bumps into his mate on the lobby. His mate asks him how his night was. "Oh it was terrible, I spent all night trying to get an erection and failed. What about you?" he replies "You think you had a bad night? I spent all night trying to get on the bed!"