jokes of the day

An elderly man is on his death bed. Although he can feel the end is near, he smells a lovely aroma & realises his loving wife of 60 yrs is baking his favourite cakes. He finds the strength 2 drag his knackered body 2 the kitchen. As his frail hand reaches up 2 the table, he suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon & his wife shouts "f**k off they're for the funeral!"




A guy goes to the council for a job. Interviewer asks 'Are u allergic to anything?' 'Yes, caffeine', he says. 'Are you disabled in anyway?' 'Yes', he replies, 'I was in the army & a bomb exploded near me & blew my testicles off'. Interviewer - 'Ok your hired. Hours are 8 till 3 but you can start at 10 everyday'.Guy asks 'why 10?' Interviewer- 'this is a council job, 1st 2 hours we stand drinking coffee & scratching our bollocks so no point you coming in!'

Took the wife dogging last night...never again...by the time she finished parking everyone else had fucked off.

I've just got sacked from my job as a bingo caller..apparently a meal for 2 with a terrible view isn't the best way to call number 69.

I Woke up this morning to find my garden as white as John Terry's fantasy football team!!

As I sat there and watched another woman slowly slip 2 fingers into my wife's pussy, I did what most blokes would do in that situation, I got my tool out and started to have a wank...I enjoyed it but the midwife went bloody mental.