JOKE MONDAY

Three hikers out in the mountains fall over a cliff.
The first hiker is able to hold onto a rope.
The second hiker is able to hold onto the leg of the first hiker.
The third hiker grabs the second hiker by the balls.
What tears first?

The second hiker's f*cking vocal cords.

A teacher is handing back his class's Religious Studies homework on the Lord's Prayer. Walking amongst the aisles, he voices his displeasure.
"More work needed, class. Very poor. James - 7/10 and the line is 'Hallowed be thy name' not 'Hello Beyonce'.
"Stephen - 7/10, and the line is 'Our Father who art in Heaven', not 'My father does art in Devon'.."
Then he stops at little Jack's desk. "And as for you.. Zero out of 10. The Lord's Prayer is not, I repeat NOT 'Dear Dad, get me off this f*cking cross, my wrists are killing me'."

I was working hard at the gym earlier, pumping some serious iron.

Some bloke came up to me and said, "You're gonna be very sore tomorrow, pal."

"It's alright," I laughed, "I'm used to working on my arms."

"I didn't mean your arms," he winked, "I've spiked your protein shake..."

A teacher is handing back his class's Religious Studies homework on the Lord's Prayer. Walking amongst the aisles, he voices his displeasure.
"More work needed, class. Very poor. James - 7/10 and the line is 'Hallowed be thy name' not 'Hello Beyonce'.
"Stephen - 7/10, and the line is 'Our Father who art in Heaven', not 'My father does art in Devon'.."
Then he stops at little Jack's desk. "And as for you.. Zero out of 10. The Lord's Prayer is not, I repeat NOT 'Dear Dad, get me off this f*cking cross, my wrists are killing me'."

After putting on 3 pairs of socks, 6 jumpers, 6 pairs of trousers, 5 wooly hats, 4 scarfs, 2 thick coats and a pair of boots, I waddled outside.
10 seconds later I was laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move.
"You're coming with me" said the JD Sports security guard.

Premature ejaculator seeks blonde lady with big tits and a shaved pu............, hang on, doesnt matter now!

You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screensaver is on.

Wife sends her husband a text:"Kids are out and I'm naked on all fours in the bedroom,what you say?"

Husband: "I say that's my dinner spoiled."