JOKE FRIDAY

I returned home from work yesterday to find my wife on the roof of the house threatening to jump off, with a Police negotiator trying to talk her down and all the neighbours watching.

I immedietly grabbed the Policeman's megaphone and shouted "Go on then love, jump because no one f*cking cares if you do".

"Ah, reverse psychology eh?" the Policeman asked.

"Sorry?" I replied.

I returned home from work yesterday to find my wife on the roof of the house threatening to jump off, with a Police negotiator trying to talk her down and all the neighbours watching.

I immedietly grabbed the Policeman's megaphone and shouted "Go on then love, jump because no one f*cking cares if you do".

"Ah, reverse psychology eh?" the Policeman asked.

"Sorry?" I replied.

That's not a joke, that's just happened, you liar!

I bumped into a cross-eyed woman today, and she shouted ''You need to look where you're going''

I said ''f**k off, you need to go where you're looking "

A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers on the window.
She says to the nurse, they are lovely who are they from?
The nurse replies, one is from the surgeon saying all went perfect
and get well soon. One is off your husband saying can't wait to get you home.
And one is off billy in the burns unit saying thanks for the new ears.

A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck to find three bunches of flowers on the window.
She says to the nurse, they are lovely who are they from?
The nurse replies, one is from the surgeon saying all went perfect
and get well soon. One is off your husband saying can't wait to get you home.
And one is off billy in the burns unit saying thanks for the new ears.

i salute you fair play funny as f**k

-hence the saying, (fu*K head. )

Mad Mary was whizzing around the mental hospital in her wheelchair when she was stopped by Crazy Carl. "Licence please," he said, Mary sped off round the corner and bumped into Looney Leon. "Insurance please," said Leon. Mary zoomed off until she was
stopped by Donkey Dave who was standing there naked with a 9 inch hard on. "Oh no,"cried Mary, "Not the breathalyser again!"

I was down the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.
Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint & i am barred for life.


I asked the missus for Oral relief last night. She said, "do you want me to suck you off"? I said, "no, just shut the f**k up!"

Just thought of a great owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20

My wife turned round to me the other week and said were skint, your going to have to quit drinking, the next day i caught her spending a £50 pound on makeup.

When i confronted her she said 'i need this to make me look sexy'

when i replied 'what the f**k do you think the beer is for?'

My wife came down from having a bath gave me a wink and said " I've just shaved my pussy and you know what that means?
I said " yeah the fuckin plugholes blocked again!"