joke

I got propper drunk last night i woke up at 5 in the morning in bed with this big fat sweaty bird she was snoring and farting,i thought to myself thank f**k i made it home safely

We had a bit of bad news yesterday we found out my wifes pip inplat in her left breast has ruptured leaking industrial silicone,on the bright side she had her nipple pierced today and sealed around the bath, shower tray and wash basin.

I wore a performance enhancer in bed with the Mrs last night...It's called a blindfold.

My brother Dave's just been diagnosed with alzheimers, I hope it doesn't run in the family because my brother Dave's got it as well.

When I'm really angry I count to 10 before talking to my wife again, it gives her a chance to get back on her feet.

I was having a full blown threesome with these 2 dirty bitches at work, the blond one was taking it up the arse whilst the black one was licking and slurping on my balls...then the boss walked in, needless to say I lost my job at the kennels.

I was in Tesco's with the wife when she said, "what a lazy b*stard you are"..Well I almost fell out of the f*cking trolley.

A real woman....

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up, and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure, and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express the deepest of emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make him feel sexy, seductive and invincible...no wait...hang on...I'm thinking of beer. It's f*cking beer that does all that. Sorry.