BLACK FRIDAY NO .1 JOKE TIME

This snow reminds me of eskimo Porn,

Cold and wet.

BBC News: "Fans let Celtic down" Says Lennon.

f**k me talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

I went into William Hill. Sprayed liquid nitrogen over the bloke working the counter. Then hit him hard with a sledge hammer. He shattered into a thousand pieces.

I guess that's the way the bookie crumbles.

I walked up to a girl in the pub.

"Your teeth are like the stars," I said.

"Awww ... Thanks," she said, smiling. "Are they so pretty?"

I said, "No, they're too far away from each other."

Woman: "I've got to say those oysters we had at dinner have made me all moist in my knickers."

Man: "Well, they are an aphrodisiac, fancy a f**k?"

Woman: "No.... they give me the shits!"

Last week i ate a parrott sandwich……….it's been repeating on me ever since!

A man, working 35 floors up at a construction site, had to go to the bathroom. When he told his superviser he said that he would waste half an hour going down and back up the construction site.

So instead, the superviser pushed a plank out over the edge of the building, stood on one end and told the guy on the other end to do what he needed to over the edge. So he did.

Suddenly, the supervisors phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, causing the man to fall to his death.

After the accident, another worker who was on the 31st floor at the time of the accident was asked by a policeman if he knew what happened.

"I'm not sure," he replied, "but I think it was something to do with sex."

"Something to do with sex?" the policeman replied, "Why do you think that?"

"Well," the worker said, "I saw the guy falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, "Where did the hell did that cocksucker go?!"

Santa is holding his traditional after Christmas party. As is customary, he thanks all his helpers and asks if any of them have anything to say.

An elf puts his hand up. "Santa, hi I'm elf No.434. You have always complained of cold feet on the sleigh. The foot muff that you found this year? That was me."

"Merry Christmas young elf and thank you!" beams Santa.

Another young elf sticks his hand up. "Santa. Elf 726 here. You got a letter from Tom Sanderson of Bournemouth England. Tom is blind and can't write, so.. that was me."

With a prickle of tears in his eyes, Santa says "Bless you young elf and Merry Christmas."

Rudolph sticks his hoof in the air.

"Ah Rudolph!" says Santa, "Faithful reindeer. Please.. share with us your Christmas thoughts!"

"Santa, you know when you got home last night, drunk and you went into the kitchen and fucked Mrs Santa hard from behind? That was me."

"Knock knock".

"Who's there?"

"Sir Alex".

"Sorry mate, we're holding the Champions League draw here. f**k off".