JOKE MONDAY

A young daughter tells her mother "I'm going upstairs with my boyfriend"

The mother replies "Oh okay, but don;t do anything stupid"

Abut 5 minutes later the mother hears from the room "BABY! BABY BABY OOOHHHH!!!"

The mother sprints to the top of the stairs, bangs the door down "What THE f**k are you two doing!?"

"Mum!!" Shouts the daughter as she covers herself "We are having sex!"

"Oh thank God..." says the mother "I thought you were listening to Justin Beiber"

My teacher has a lazy eye

No wonder he can't control his pupils

Gynaecologists are so rude !
The other day I asked one what his favourite tools of his trade was and he stuck two fingers up at me.
What a c**t.

...keep them coming

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.

I was having a 69 with my bird the other day, when we finished she said 'Talk dirty to me stud'

I simply replied 'Before we have another 69 can you at least wipe your arse properly or ill be wiping the shit smear off my nose...'

If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road'

Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

What has 3 teeth, and 99 legs



















A Methadone queue in Swansea.

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies .. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!'

The nurse says, 'Oh yes, he's happy now but just watch what happens when we pull the thermometer out of his Arse!'

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter as the day went on.

That night, she flopped on the bed and said,"Charles,please remove my shoes,my feet are killing me!" He attacked her right shoe with vigour,but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder"."I'm trying, But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!"Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!

they have set a tough one tonight in the bush tucker trial.... a kangaroo has got to eat one of fatima whitbreads testicles!!