Monday Joke Thread

As i have a day off college and bored as f**k i thought i would start a joke thread.

Two Irish men are watching a Rottweiler licking its balls. Paddy turns to Murphy & says 'I Wish I Could Do That'. Murphy says 'I'd Stroke Him first. He Looks A Vicious b*stard'.

I bought a new guard dog yesterday.

its usless, it lets everybody in

f*cking Uk Boarder Collie

I like my women how I like the X Factor.

Not on.

some cheeky fucker wrote MONG all over my windows this morning
took me ages to lick it off

some cheeky fucker wrote MONG all over my windows this morning
took me ages to lick it off

some cheeky fucker wrote MONG all over my windows this morning
took me ages to lick it off

Michael Jackson's doctor has already been invited to the Prison Boxing team. Apparently he has a f*cking lethal Jab !.

John Terry still insists that he didnt say "Black c**t" but in fact said "blind c**t".'

Anton Ferdinand says he heard different.

Deaf c**t

URGENT..... to all ginger birds. dont have a brazillian, it looks like a fish finger

URGENT..... to all ginger birds. dont have a brazillian, it looks like a fish finger

And they smell like one

It was the Postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the £5 for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "f**k him, give him a Fiver."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Michael Jackson's doctor has already been invited to the Prison Boxing team. Apparently he has a f*cking lethal Jab !.

I bought a new guard dog yesterday.

its usless, it lets everybody in

f*cking Uk Boarder Collie

Brilliant!

some cheeky fucker wrote MONG all over my windows this morning
took me ages to lick it off

best by far!

1 inch - Are you taking the piss?
2 inch - I cant even hold it properly
3 inch - never been so unsatisfied
4 inch - Ive had bigger
5 inch - good, but not enough
6 inch - about right
8 inch - f*cking perfect when youre drunk
10 inch - its hurting my insides
12 inch - im fcuking destroyed inside










How do you rate your Dominos pizza?

I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.

"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.

"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.

"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."

I went into a shop earlier and said to the girl serving "Get me a kit kat chunky"

She brought me one back and i said

"What's this you fat bitch i asked for a kit kat"

I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.

"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.

"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.

"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."

I went into a shop earlier and said to the girl serving "Get me a kit kat chunky"

She brought me one back and i said

"What's this you fat bitch i asked for a kit kat"

Our new puppy's been rolling around in its own shit.

That's what I'm telling the wife anyway. Easier to explain than the fact that I ran out of toilet paper.

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"