JOKE TUESDAY

I accidentally broke a sewer pipe at a football match.

The shit's hit the fans.

So glad that c**t got kicked off X-Factor.
Frankie Cokeupthenozza.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, your a f*cking wanker!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Psychological experts say that how happy you are depends on how much your parents played with you when you were younger.

The last time my Dad played with me, I was still in his balls.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, your a f*cking wanker!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Apparantly Jeremy Kyle is to host a gambling gameshow surely that is akin to letting King Herod run a maternity ward

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Asian blood. It’s not as bad as it sounds. I’ve now got a 12 inch cock and I’m top of the housing list.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “You gonna tell him or should I?”

An Irish daughter had not been home for five years. Upon her return, her Father shouted at her: ‘where have you been all these years? Why didn’t you call? Do you know what your mum and I went through?

The girl crying replied ‘Dad I became a prostitute.’ You what? ”Out of here you shameless sinner. You are a disgrace to the family”

”Okay dad, as you wish” she said. I just came to give mum this luxurious fur coat, keys to a ten bedroom mansion, and a $5million savings certificate.

For you my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you dad, the sparkling new edition Mercedes limited edition convertible that is parked outside. I also have an invitation for you to spend New year on board my new yacht in the Riviera and……… ……… ..

Now, shouted her dad, ”what is it you said you had become?
The girl started crying again, prostitute dad!

Oh Jesus, you scared me, I thought you said you had become a PROTESTANT!!
Come here and give your old man a big hug

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “You gonna tell him or should I?”

For years I thought my wife had Tourettes, but it turns out she really does think that I'm a kunt.