Something For The Weekend, Sir? 04/11/11

So, Jimmy Savile's dead. I can't say I'm sorry. My life was never the same after he fixed it for me to go camping with Gary Glitter.



My wife came down from having a shower, winked at me and said "I've just shaved my fanny, you know what that means!"

I replied "yes, the f***ing plughole's blocked again!"



My new girlfriend just burst in the bedroom. I'm taking her back to Ann Summers tomorrow for a refund.



I was chatting up a pikey bird in the pub last night, when she asked if I'd like to go back to her place and have a good time.

She wasn't f***ing kidding! I went on the Waltzer, the dodgems, the ghost train - I even came home with a goldfish!



This year I thought I'd get into the Halloween spirit and scare the f**k out of my neighbours by dressing up.

I'm going as an immigration officer.

What's 6 inches long and not getting sucked tonight?

Jimmy Savile's cigar.

When the shit hits the fan, you know the extractor in your bathroom is too powerful.

I've just started dating a muslim girl. She gave me a w@nk last night and f**k me, was she rough?!!

I've nicknamed her The Terror Wrist.

It's that time of year again when the fat cnut with a beard turns up with presents for the kids......

......I f***ing hate my mother-in-law!




Weird scientific fact: The heavier the woman, the easier they are to pick up!

Gay Ray goes to the doctor to get his test results.

Doctor says "sorry, Gay Ray, but you've got AIDS."

Gay Ray is devastated and asks what to do.

Doctor says "eat a sausage, a cabbage, 20 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, a tin of baked beans, a box of All Bran and a gallon of prune juice."

Gay Ray asks "will this cure me?"

Doctor says "no, but it'll give you a better understanding of what your arse is for."