friday jokes

i went to a house party last night. and my nephew fell asleep at 7-30. so. for a laugh. i shaved his eyebrows off. and drew a cock on his face. my sister was really mad. when she looked in the cot and saw what i did

Wife with PMT says to hubby "Do you want anything to eat?"

Hubby replies "What's the choices?"

Wife says " YES OR F***ING NO!"

my wife was over the doctors the other day. and he told her she would have to have a blood test. shes been up all night revising for them

3 blondes were walking in the forest one day.

They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The 1st blonde said "I think they're deer tracks."

The 2nd blonde said "I think they're dog tracks."

The 3rd blonde said "Well, I think they're cow tracks."

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They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Monday Morning Mrs Ferguson says to Alex "Wake up dear its 7". Alex says fcuk me "They havent scored again have they?"


John Terry syas he isnt guilty of racially abusing Anton Ferdinand, although he says he hasnt ruled out shagging his wife.

Dwarf couple who work in a circus are having a baby. They go to the doctor for a check up.

Doctor says "Everything's fine. Tell me, what do you want, a boy or a girl?"

The bloke says "We don't really care, as long as it fits in the cannon!"

I was feeling horny, so I phoned the missus for a bit of phone sex.

As she answered, I said "Tell me you're not wearing any knickers."

She said "I actually am not wearing any knickers."

I replied "Oh yeah, baby, tell me what you're doing, you naughty girl!"

"I'm having a shit!"

Ashley Cole

Bosingwa

Malouda

Obi Mikel

Sturridge

Anelka

Essien

Ramires

Drogba

Kalou



Now affectionately known as "Terry's Chocolates."

A mother is cleaning her 15 yr old daughter's bedroom when she finds a used condom.
She runs downstairs and screams at her " Are you sexually active ? ".
The daughter replies " No, i just lie there and let them do all the work. ".

Have you tried the new Chinese chocolate bar?

It's called a kitkat chinky

a little boy goes up to his daddy an asks
"daddy wer do i get my brains from"
his daddy replies
"you must get them from your mummy i still f**king got mine"

i hear tevez is suing manchester city
what the odds his lawyer refuses to get of the bench
to defend him

Wife with PMT says to hubby "Do you want anything to eat?"

Hubby replies "What's the choices?"

Wife says " YES OR F***ING NO!"

some crackers here fellas

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Peter Ridsdale is unhappy after being exonerated in the Golden Ticket Scam and claims it has damaged his reputation; after all he has never been cleared of wrong doing before...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Wife with PMT says to hubby "Do you want anything to eat?"

Hubby replies "What's the choices?"

Wife says " YES OR F***ING NO!"

a gem that

Guy goes 2 the Doc's & says "Doc I've got a sex problem." the Doc asks "What's up?" so the guy says "Well first of all my wife wakes me at 5am for a 2 hour shag before work." the Doc nods & is about 2 speak when the guy says "That's not all, on the train 2 work there's a blonde conductress who lets me off paying if I shag her." "I see" says the Doc.
"No U don't, cos then at work I've gotta f**k my female boss just 2 keep my job. My secretary so she won't blab about me shagging the boss, the waitress at the local restarant so she'll keep our table, the conductress on the way home & then my wife the minute I get in the door."
quite taken aback the Doc asks "So what exactly is the problem?", "Well" says the guy "It hurts when I wank."

I asked my mate whether a woman's clit was at the front or back. He told me it was at the front. I thought "f**k me, i must have been sucking her piles."

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last month.
Locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 65.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary!