Something For The Weekend, Sir? 01/10/11

A woman's fanny is a bit like a shed roof. If you don't nail it hard enough, it will end up round next door's.

Surprise sex is the best way to be woken up............ unless you're in prison.

I love to pamper my wife when she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving, so I can turn on the hot tap and swish the bubbles around for her, so the minute she walks through the door, she can get on with the dishes.

I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures the other day and I must say I was very pleased with the result. Those piranhas don't f**k about!



I said to my missus "let's try anal."

She said "f**k that shit!"

I said "that's the spirit!"



Have you been injured?

Had a car accident?

Fell over on a wet floor at work?

Or tripped on an uneven curb?

If so.....

Sort yourself out, you clumsy b*stard!



11 people were grasping a rope from a helicopter (10 men and 1 woman). The rope was fraying, so they all agreed that 1 person should let go before the rope broke, killing them all, but they couldn't decide who. The woman said she'd give up her life to save theirs, since women were used to giving up things for family and that men were superior and must be saved. When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

Never underestimate the evil in a woman - or the stupidity of men.



The government has passed a new bill in parliament so gay men are entitled to more money.

It's called Knobseekers Allowance.



Did you know, when Michael Jackson used to wear pyjamas, he liked to wear adult tops, but squeezed into kids' bottoms?



1 inch - are you taking the piss?

2 inch - I can't even hold it properly

3 inch - Never been so unsatisfied in my life

4 inch - I've had bigger

5 inch - good, but not enough

6 inch - about right

8 inch - f***ing perfect

10 inch - it's hurting my insides

12 inch - I'm absolutely f***ing destroyed

This how I rate pizzas.

Confucius say "man with tool in woman's mouth, him not necessarily a dentist."

A Welsh Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today. He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.

British Rail are full of shit. A sign said if you stand too close to the edge of the platform, you get sucked off...
Five f***ing hours I stood there!

A woman was in a coma for months. One day, the nurses noticed a slight response while washing her fanny. They rushed to her husband and explained, suggesting oral sex might bring her round, to which he agreed. A few minutes later, her monitor flatlined, no pulse or heart rate. The nurses rushed in. "What's happened?" The husband said "I'm not sure, she may have choked."

Said to the wife this morning "I'm off to cycle to work, love." I get my bike out of the shed and it's pissing down! I think f**k it, get back into bed for an extra 20 minutes and decide to slip the missus one from behind. She moans and starts waking up, so I say "it's pissing down out there!" She replies "I know and that stupid b*stard's cycling to work!"