JOKES ON FRIDAY

I quizzed my mate in the pub, "Did John ever give you that £50 back?"
"Midget sex!" he replied.
"What?" i asked.
"Diddy f**k!"

I think that drinking alcohol is making my hand shrink.

I only need a few beers and I just can't get my wedding ring to stay on.

I'm not saying my wife has a baggy pussy........

But f**k me, its like smoking a ciggy in the Albert hall.

I was out at a club when I saw a really fit bird, so I offered to buy her a drink.
She said "Drinking is bad for my legs"
"Do they swell?" I asked.
"No, they spread"

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

My wife bought a safe and locked up all my lager and porn. She said the combination was her birthday.

SHIT!

Fifa 12 is so realistic. I tried to put Tevez on and he told ne to f**k off.