FEW JOKES TO SEE YOU THROUGH THE DAY

My wife burst into the bedroom wearing a naughty nurse's outfit last night.

"Do you need medical attention?" She winked.

"Yes! Yes I do," I replied. "I've got erectile dysfunction."

"Ooh," she giggled. "And when did this start?"

"About 30 seconds ago," I replied.

My wife has lost our tickets to the Prodigy gig

I suppose I'll have to smack my bitch up

Bob is driving home through a country area one evening when he suddenly catches sight of something in the headlights, right in the middle of the road. He slams on the brakes and gets out of the car to investigate.

As he gets closer, he sees it's a squirrel, but smeared from head to foot in shit.

"The poor wee animal," thinks Bob, so he rushes back to the car and grabs a box of Kleenex to clean up the squirrel.

When he's finished and the squirrel has skipped back into the undergrowth, another squirrel jumps out of the bush, again completely covered in shit. Bob sets about wiping the shit off this poor squirrel and just as it strolls happily back into the bushes yet another hops out and it's plastered in shit as well.

"What is going on here?" says Bob, as he starts to clean up the third squirrel.

Suddenly, a voice comes from the bushes:

"Hey! Could I have a couple of those Kleenexes? I'm running out of squirrels."

I've just ordered the personal number plate BAA BAA.

Should look cool on my black jeep.

What do you call a midget on her period?

Red dwarf

What Do You Call A Russian Prostitute?

Slobadown Mecokyabitch

I phoned my ex wife last night.

"I want you back," I pleaded. "I love you!"

"What's brought this on?" she asked.

"I've just been looking at a picture of you," I said. "With your short black hair, curvy stomach and luscious lips."

"What photo's that?" she replied.

"The one in the paper," I burst out, "of you holding that bottle of champagne and giant cheque."

'What do we want?'
'Help for tourettes!'
'When do we want it?'
'C*nt!'