joke thread

p,addy is on his final question for a million pound with chris tarrant. he has only one life line left..phone a friend. "which bird does not make a nest? a swallow. a blackbird or a cuckoo" paddy calls murphy. murphy answers "be jesus its a cuckoo 100% paddy wins the million.afterwards paddy rings murphy how the f**k did you know that.? murphy says well paddy yer thick prick. it lives in a f*cking clock.

A different episode of Who Wants to be a millionaire, and Murphy is on the £1 mill question and has 1 life line left.

Which of the following Ronnies was the Great Train Robber?

a) Ronnie Corbett
b) Ronnie O'Sullivan
c) Ronnie Barker
d) Ronnie Biggs

Murphy quick as a flash says 'Im taking the money Chris and I don't want to use my life line, final answer'

He takes the money and his mate Paddy says 'How come you didnt know the answer and why didnt you even use your life line?'

Murphy says ' I know it was Ronnie Biggs but I aint no grass Paddy'

A swansea city supporters mother walks in on him fingering his sister. She yells "What have you got to say for yourself?". He says to her "I've got good news, I've found dad's wedding ring".

Roman Abramovic was in a lapdancing club and the dancer asked him to sign the lips of her fanny. Abramovic said feck off, the last time I signed a useless c**t he cost me 50 million!

2 irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.Afterwards paddy says that was f*cking great I wonder how the girls got on

advice for all muslim immigrants if you are trapped in a burning house have been shot or seriously injured and are bleeding to death

the new emergency no is
8765490777754321712212345321098767865434567778889999999555544443322222222226564878


your call is important to us

thank you for your patience

A swansea city supporters mother walks in on him fingering his sister. She yells "What have you got to say for yourself?". He says to her "I've got good news, I've found dad's wedding ring".

A swansea city supporters mother walks in on him fingering his sister. She yells "What have you got to say for yourself?". He says to her "I've got good news, I've found dad's wedding ring".

some b*stard pinched the collection tin from the epilepsy society last night



they,ll have a fcuking fit when they find out

some b*stard pinched the collection tin from the epilepsy society last night



they,ll have a fcuking fit when they find out

PMSL

Little Tommy was having a bath with his granny. He says whats that? Granny says it's my hedgehog. Next day Tommy is in a bath with his mum and says i can see your hedgehog. Mum says who calls it that? Tommy says granny but i think her's is dead cos it's all grey and its tongue's hanging out!







GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
.
Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
.
Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.
.
Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... very hot, relaxed & convinced of her own beauty
.
Between 46 & 55 a woman is like France... gently ageing but sensual,
with an appreciation for the finer things
.
Between 56 & 60 she is like Yugoslavia... lost the war, haunted by past mistakes & in need of massive
reconstruction
.
From 61 on, a woman is like Afghanistan... everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there
.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
.
Between 15 and 80 a man is like Libya... ruled by a dick.