Joke thread?

Rose are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I

you need help

billy u got problems

Rose are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic
And so am I

Cheers lads

The wife has just come into the living room wearing see-through lingerie, and has told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.

I can't wait.

I love Shepherd's Pie.

The wife has just come into the living room wearing see-through lingerie, and has told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.

I can't wait.

I love Shepherd's Pie.

Paddy and Murphy walking down the road.Paddy finds a mirror, looks at it and says, "I'm sure I've seen this man before" and then passes it to Murphy.Murphy then says, "You stupid tw*t that's me!".

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:
Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back:
Send me your mother...

a small boy wrote to Santa Claus:Dear Santa,Please send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back: Send me your mother....

I came into some money today.
I can't help it - I've always had a thing about the Queen

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus:
Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back:
Send me your mother...

you stole my santa joke

My last one:

What's got four legs and an arm?
A Pitbull in a playground

My last one:

What's got four legs and an arm?
A Pitbull in a playground

I lied

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich:99p; Chicken sandwich:£1.50; Hand job:£20.00."
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am."
The man replies "Well, go and wash your f*cking hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"

Two Irish men looking through a catalogue. Paddy say's "look at those gorgeous women! The price's are reasonable too," Mick agrees! "I am ordering one of them right now."

3 week's later, Paddy say's "Has your woman turned up yet?""No" said Mick. "But it shouldn't be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday"

My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft.
He's just called S now.

My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft.
He's just called S now.

My mate Sid was a victim of I.D. theft.
He's just called S now.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Q. What did the elephant say to a naked Thomas fish?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

(thats my last, i promise)

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

I asked the wife, 'Fancy an early night?'. She smiled seductively, said 'I'd love to babe', and slowly leaned in, kissing me while unbuttoning my shirt. I slowly recoiled from her loving kiss, took her small delicate hands in mine, held them tight, looked deeply into her big, blue eyes and said, 'No, I meant to say the lads are coming over to watch the match so why don't you just f**k off to bed?'

I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

Can you spare just £2?

Ranjim is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia in Africa. He has only one leg, and is blind in one eye. Every day he goes seven miles along a narrow road on his rusty bike with no brakes to get to school.


If you can send just $2.00 . . . we'll send you the video! It's hilarious

So Kate Middleton and Prince William have announced the date for their wedding.

I have one word of advice for the happy couple to aid them in a long and happy future together.

SEATBELTS!!!

So Kate Middleton and Prince William have announced the date for their wedding.

I have one word of advice for the happy couple to aid them in a long and happy future together.

SEATBELTS!!!

Clunk, Click, every trip!!

Posted it last night on my facebook..

They say there's safety in numbers.. Try telling that to 6 million jews.

roses are red
violets are blue
ive got alzheimer's
cheese on toast