POLICE HAVE FOUND MY WIFE

A constable came around my house an hour ago and said "we've found your wife, and it looks like she's been in an accident" I said " I know, but she's got a great personality".

i came home from work today,,,,,, and found my wife dead, in the washing machine?,,, the police said,she died in comfort

Good one.

my wife has been missing for the last 2 weeks the police came around today and told me to prepare myself for the worst,

so i had to go back to oxfam and ask for her clothes back

paddy said to mick,,, im going to buy a labrador,,,,mick said,i wouldnt,,,, all there owners go blind

i was asked, did i like breast or leg,,,, i said, i prefer a shaved fanny myself,,,,,, but this is kfc, and we dont put them in the family bucket

My racing snail is not winning races anymore,i decided to take its shell off to reduce his weight and make more aerodynamic ,it didnt work,if anything its made him more sluggish!!!!

O the police found her ? Shit you dont have any luck do you !

A guy in the bar ask me , why you look so upset mate? I told him my wife will not cook, wont clean and dont f**k.
O shit he said, My wife is Angel ! I said, Your f*cking lucky mine is still alive

a woman meets a bloke in the bar,,and goes back to his place,during the course of the evening,whilst passing his bedroom, she notices 3 neat rows of shelving,on the bottom row there are small bears, the middle row bigger bears, and the top shelf large bears,,woman thinks must be a sensitive ,kind bloke, and thinks this could be the one for her,,one thing led to another,and they end up in bed, making passionate love,,next morning, she asks the bloke so how was i in bed last night, bloke replies not f*cking bad at all,,, help yourself to any prize on the middle shelf

guy comes home late, gets into bed. his wife is in the mood and says with a horny voice:
"come on darling.... say something really really dirty to me..."

guy turns round and says:
"the kitchen..."

a nun talks to a vibrator "hey no need to shiver...it's my first time too"

I was travelling up the M4 at 80 mph.
I saw this cop car behind me.
By time he caught up with me I'd gone 10 miles and was doing 110 mph.
Whrn I finally stopped.The copper said "Why didn't you stop 10 miles back?"
I said "My Mrs ran off with a copper,I thought you was bringing her back!!!!!!"