Jokes Thread

The wife has just come into the living room wearing see-through lingerie, and has told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.

I can't wait.

I love Shepherd's Pie.

You.

You.

That attempt at a joke

alex ferguson decided to throw an 80's party for his players.

GIGGS turned up in a cavilier, SCHOLES in a sierra, and ROONEY decided to come in an escort

You.

That attempt at a joke

That reply.
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

my wife said to me that: " you love cardiff city more than me" i replied darling i love swansea city more than you lol

alex ferguson decided to throw an 80's party for his players.

GIGGS turned up in a cavilier, SCHOLES in a sierra, and ROONEY decided to come in an escort

My wife wants a divorce cos she think I love football more than her, I'm gutted, been with her 5 seasons

YOU KNOW WHAT THE MAIN CAUSE OF PAEDOPHILIA IS IN THE UK?


Sexy Kids.

My mate just had a baby, he keep's going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son, he would even take a bullet for his boy.
I replied with

"Why the f**k are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?"

My mate just had a baby, he keep's going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son, he would even take a bullet for his boy.
I replied with

"Why the f**k are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?"

Reading that, Just about to post it. Bam! Prick

Have a wank over Miley Cyrus
then, have a wank over Hannah Montana.
Best of both worlds.

What's the difference between ChatRoulette and mike morris's messageboard?

One's a website where theres shit-loads of cocks, people acting like tossers, pretending to be popular and being cunts. The other one is ChatRoulette....























only joking

What's the difference between ChatRoulette and mike morris's messageboard?

One's a website where theres shit-loads of cocks, people acting like tossers, pretending to be popular and being cunts. The other one is ChatRoulette....
only joking

thats naughty

No you're not

what's the difference between your wife going "arghh, no i don't like anal it hurts" and "arghh, mmm,mmm,mmm"






gaffer tape

New On Channel Four
Coming live and uninterrupted from Chile.....33 contestants......4 months......1 cave...
Dig Brother!!

I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off.

Nice bit of footage.

A blonde and a brunette both jumped off a cliff at the same time. Which made it to the ground first?

The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

Metro Front Page:- "Cricket declares war on cheaters"

What a brave little insect, taking on all those big cats single-handedly...

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"

I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."

As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those f*cking Rowntree's Randoms!"

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

You can't gargle sand.

I'll be fucked if this rape alarm doesn't work.

How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?

Hit him in the face with an axe.

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

You can't gargle sand.

oh you sick fucker
always gota go one step furtherr

What's brown and hides in the attic?

The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.

Why don't women need watches?

There's a clock on the stove.

What is brown and Rhymes with Snoop?
















Jay Z

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.