ANY GOOD JOKES

Im bored in work so anybody got any good jokes

i have a dog called Minton

one day when i arrived home from work i noticed he had ate all my shuttlecocks.

BADMINTON

On transfer deadline day today Emile Heskey has been spotted at Newcastle.

Though, to be fair, he was probably aiming for Middlesbrough.

My missus says she hates it how I narrate every situation,
and here comes the fat c*nt now.

a good joke ?

um swansea city

Just saw that advert where a paraplegic athlete in a wheelchair says "My arms are stronger than your legs!"


Doesn't he know people can just say the exact same thing back to him?

Fancy a wind up?

Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

When Cameron became Prime Minister he said he would flush out all the Taliban from Pakistan,


F@ck me he wasn't messing was he

Just saw that advert where a paraplegic athlete in a wheelchair says "My arms are stronger than your legs!"


Doesn't he know people can just say the exact same thing back to him?

Do homeless people get "Knock Knock" jokes?

Mary had a little lamb,
But then she put that in the bin too.

I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off.

Nice bit of footage.

I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.

Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "f**k off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.

Try this with the Mrs when you get home from work!

You: What's that smell?

Wife: I can't smell anything.

You: Neither can I, Get that f*cking cooker on bitch!

I've been given two weeks to live.

The wife's gone away for a fortnight.......

America's policy of shooting first and asking questions later has always been their downfall.

I mean, just think how useful King Kong could have been on September the 11th.

My wife said that she's going to leave me.

But before she does, she is going to make sure that my bank balance is £0.

That's nice of her, paying off my overdraft.

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in Swansea.

BBC news: 'Porn Videos Flood YouTube'

That's the second best flood this year.

I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate £2 a month then people in Africa will die.

I cant believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.

I went to the doctors becasue I was really sick.


Me: doctor how long do you think i have to live.

Doctor: you have got 7

Me: 7 what? 7 years,months?

Doctor: 6,5,4,3,

A couple of Chinese guys were selling watches on a stall in the market, so I asked my wife if she wanted one.

"I don't know," she said. "They look like they fell off the back of a lorry."

"I know," I said, "But their watches look pretty good."

This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain 'spot', and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you.

It's called the face.

I wish Sky would move Babestation and the other lads programmes to a different range of channels.

The 9 key on my Sky remote control is fading, and my wife is growing suspicious.

So, I finally got around to seeing the new Karate Kid, and was really pleased to find out that it was the story all about how Jaden Smith's life got flipped turned upside down.

You see, he was chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, shooting some b-ball outside of his school, when a couple of guys (who were up to no good) started making trouble in his neighbourhood.

He got in one little fight and his mom got scared! And said "You're going to learn kung-fu from the maintenance man downstairs."

I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off.

Nice bit of footage.

hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaaaaa thats the best !

"I'm going to create man and woman with original sin. Then I'm going to impregnate a woman with myself as her child, so that I can be born in human form. Once alive, I will kill myself as a sacrifice to myself. To save you from the sin I originally condemned you to. Ta dah!"

God
(master of logic since the beginning of time.)

I got invited on the Jeremy Kyle show, to prove I wasn't the notorious thief my family made me out to be.

I took a lie detector test - and got 50 quid for it at my local Cash Converters.

Tried to watch a youtube video called 'Wheelchair Kid Sings Lady Gaga'

Came up with a message "disabled because of copyright claim."

Bit f*cking harsh.

I pulled up next to a woman driver at the traffic lights today and shouted at her, "Hey! Don't you know how to use your f*cking mirrors?"

"Yes, of course I do!" she snapped

I replied, "Well, try using one to put some make-up on before you go out in public, you ugly c**t!"