A bit of humour

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/sex-jokes/3

Nice

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/sex-jokes/11

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/sports-jokes

Two guys were playing golf. On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups. Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes. Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups. All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared. She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups. She said, ''Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won't have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won't hurt my creations." *POOF* She disappeared. Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, "Bob! Bob! Come over here here quick!" Bob replied, "Wait a sec. I'm hitting my shot and I'll be right over." Jack yelled back at Bob, "Where are you?" Bob answered, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Jack shouted back, "Don't swing Bob! For the love of God, don't swing!"

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/sports-jokes/2

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/office-jokes

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

http://www.laughfactory.com/jokes/relationship-jokes/7

A woman collects her husbands ashes from the crem.
On the way home she kicks the ern.and head butt's it.
Take that you tw*t now you know what it feels like.
She opens the ern puts some of his ashes on her hand and blows, them away whilst shouting and there's the blow job you always wanted.

Bloke walking home from the pub as he's passing the cemetery he hears a voice shouting repeatedly why did
you have to go.
The bloke looks over the wall and says somebody close mate.
The reply comes no it's the wife's first husband

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
-
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
-
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”
https://short-funny.com/hilarious-jokes.php

Love on Mars

The year is 2258 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian
couple and start talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if
Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they
make money, etc. Maureen discusses hobbies, cuisine on Mars etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the same way you do," responds the Martian woman.

Discussion ensues and finally curiosity gets the better of them
and the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to
a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny
member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen understandably.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite remarkably long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each
pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad,
passionate love for many hours.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and
go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks,
"Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it honey," says Maureen, "but it was pretty
wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a terrible headache.
All she kept doing was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

http://www.lifesmith.com/jbhumor1.html#anchor2317493

Gorilla My Dreams

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery,
and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no
male gorillas of that species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators were told
about Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any
female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to
screw the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some
interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly,
I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this
union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so
they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up
with the five hundred bucks."

http://www.lifesmith.com/jbhumor1.html#anchor2317493

Musical Octopus

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the
octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that
this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play
any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an
idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has
an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just
rippin' it up. So the man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the
trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and
the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down
with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to
screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."