Joke thread

I got woken up last night when the security light came on in the back garden, I saw a bloke wearing a baseball cap,rugby shirt,football shorts,cricket pads and a pair of golfing shoes. I opened the window and shouted "Oy, what's your f*cking game?!"

Haha, I love bad jokes

What do you call it when Batman leaves Church?


Christian Bale.

How many tickles are required to make an octopus laugh?

Ten Tickles!!!

Why did the CCS become so warm after the match?

Because there were no Fans left inside.

You guys remember the Children of the Corn right?

I wonder what their dad was called?


Oh wait, "POP CORN"?

Why does Snoop Doggy Dog always carry a Brolly?


For Drizzle.

I'll get my coat.

Have you seen the movie called constipation???????


Oh yeah...... It hasn't come out yet

What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend????


Same time next month????

Scott Malone: 'we have too much quality to be dragged into a relegation fight.'

Scott Malone: 'we have too much quality to be dragged into a relegation fight.'

Scott Malone: 'we have too much quality to be dragged into a relegation fight.'

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

Sean Morrison:- 'we've got a second string here that could win this league'.

Vincent Tan : Russell Slade could be here as long as someone like Arsne Wenger has been at Arsenal

SolWallerstein was at the country club for his weekly
round

>of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a

>birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his

>first ever hole-in-one when

>his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife
had

>just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

>The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd

>be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was
leaving

>what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided

>to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the

>hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round

>shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five
strokes

>and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was

>jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed

>to the hospital.

>He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's

>condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead

>and finished

>your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"

>"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the

>country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just
as

>well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more

>than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require
round

>the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's;
you

>will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to

>be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care." The

>man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed... The doctor

>snickered and said, "I'm just f*cking with you. She's dead.

>What'd you shoot?" !

50 Shades of Grey is banned in Bradford
We cannot condone this depravity said Muhammad Adul, accompanied by his 9 year old wife.