NORWICH PREVIEW
Fri Jan 31, 2014 5:38 pm
http://its-not-dark-yet.blogspot.co.uk/
CCFC V NORWICH
Let's face it. The table doesn't lie. We're bottom of the table for two good reasons:
1. We can't score goals (0.74 per game) and
2. We can't stop the opposition scoring (1.74 per game).
Do the math! We deserve to be bottom. Our early season form has sagged like a despondent middle-aged man's paunchy midriff. You can stand in front of the mirror, breathe in, pump out your chest and tense your muscles as much as you like but your flabby bloated frame is a harbinger of ruin; look behind you - the Grim Reaper is closing in and he will not be denied. Some things are certain in this life - death, taxes and a relegation scrap.
'We're all doomed' - Private James Frazer, comedy war hero and wing half for Tannochbrae Trossachs
The blindly optimistic claim that all is not lost, that it will end well, even that 'we're too good to go down'. They are the climate change deniers standing naked in a field in the Somerset Levels waving a Union Jack and waiting for the sun to come out; they are Monty Python's Black Knight, two arms down and hopping around on one leg claiming to be 'invincible'. They say we must have faith in the new manager, that he will save us and lead us onto greater glory as if the sainted Solskjaer walked around in sandals and began his team talk with 'I am the resurrection...though he were dead, yet shall he live'. Well for 'Lazurus' read 'Andreas Cornelius'. Jesus wept.
But wait. The transfer window is still open. There's still time to turn things around. Mmmm, our record of transfer window signings in recent times has not been great. The word 'Cornelius' has now taken its place in the footie lexicon, eg 'It looks like Tottenham have done a Cornelius by signing Soldano'. (The disaster of City's continental drift that gave us the Andreas Fault has even vindicated Chairman Tan in some fan's eyes).
We have an unfortunate habit of bringing in unproven players who show a bit of promise which turns to dust as soon as they put on City shirt. Trotters International Traders must have branched out and are passing off duds as Premier League players - 'ere, I can do you a Cornelius for 8 mill and two pony grands a week. Cushty!'. On top of that we've occasionally been persuaded to take on players who are well past their prime and desperate for one last hurrah / one last pay-day (hang your head in shame Robbie Fowler), or to take a punt on journeymen players on the back of a purple patch in an otherwise undistinguished career.
In January 2006 Dave Jones signed the prolific (10 goals in 21 games) Darlington forward Guylain Ndumbu-Nsungu, affectionately known as 'Dave', a sobriquet he objected to. He might have got a fairer hearing if, one, he hadn't actually said 'Please don't call me Dave' and, two, he'd been any good. He made 11 appearances, 7 as sub and failed to record a single goal. So 'Dave' it was.
Until Cornelius, all other window signings could be measured against this folly. The 'Dave Scale' has a spread of 1-5, so that the signing of Ndumbu-Nsungu scores a maximum 5 Daves. Other window signings in the recent past include:
2002 Fan Zhiyi 4 Daves
2006 Iwan Redan 4 Daves
2006 Malvin Kamara 4 Daves
2007 Robbie Fowler 5 Daves
2008 Eddie Johnson 4 Daves
2008 Quincy Owusu-Abeyie 4 Daves
2008 Dimi Dropalttashots 4 Daves
2010 Jon Parkin 3 Daves
2012 Etien Velikonja 6 Daves
So what can we expect from the latest crop?
I was reassured by Sir Alex Ferguson's comment that 'Da Silva has all the attributes to become one of the best full-backs in the world'. Unfortunately he was talking about Fabio's twin brother Rafael.
Kenwynne Jones has an interesting back story. A foundling, discovered in a forest clearing in Mynydd Hiraethog in deepest darkest Denbighshire in 1984 by two local schoolboys, Ken and Wynne Jones, he comes with a half-decent scoring record and a fearsome reputation. For sulking. Having previously gone on strike at Southampton until granted a transfer, he recently texted Mark Hughes that he would not be available for their game against Liverpool. Committed to the cause then.
Wilfred Za-ha, son of an Alan Partridge tribute act with a fondness for the poetry of the First World War is a fully fledged England international, currently unable to force his way into the Man Utd first team who has never tried it on with David Moyes' daughter.
Norway's Magnus Wolf Eikrem Jo Inge Berget Matts Moller Daehli has joined us from Solskjaer's former club Molde and is renowned for his defensive midfield attacking tracking back qualities and for being an anagram of Mswfemojiebtmsmrdiagnuolngeergeattolleaehl which is Norwegian for 'blond haired blue eyed pure bred fleet footed footballing genius'. Which is promising.
They say the past is another country. It looks like our future is Norway. Whatever happens 'Jeg skal vaere der ed min lille pick og shovel jeg skal være der...'
CCFC V NORWICH
Let's face it. The table doesn't lie. We're bottom of the table for two good reasons:
1. We can't score goals (0.74 per game) and
2. We can't stop the opposition scoring (1.74 per game).
Do the math! We deserve to be bottom. Our early season form has sagged like a despondent middle-aged man's paunchy midriff. You can stand in front of the mirror, breathe in, pump out your chest and tense your muscles as much as you like but your flabby bloated frame is a harbinger of ruin; look behind you - the Grim Reaper is closing in and he will not be denied. Some things are certain in this life - death, taxes and a relegation scrap.
'We're all doomed' - Private James Frazer, comedy war hero and wing half for Tannochbrae Trossachs
The blindly optimistic claim that all is not lost, that it will end well, even that 'we're too good to go down'. They are the climate change deniers standing naked in a field in the Somerset Levels waving a Union Jack and waiting for the sun to come out; they are Monty Python's Black Knight, two arms down and hopping around on one leg claiming to be 'invincible'. They say we must have faith in the new manager, that he will save us and lead us onto greater glory as if the sainted Solskjaer walked around in sandals and began his team talk with 'I am the resurrection...though he were dead, yet shall he live'. Well for 'Lazurus' read 'Andreas Cornelius'. Jesus wept.
But wait. The transfer window is still open. There's still time to turn things around. Mmmm, our record of transfer window signings in recent times has not been great. The word 'Cornelius' has now taken its place in the footie lexicon, eg 'It looks like Tottenham have done a Cornelius by signing Soldano'. (The disaster of City's continental drift that gave us the Andreas Fault has even vindicated Chairman Tan in some fan's eyes).
We have an unfortunate habit of bringing in unproven players who show a bit of promise which turns to dust as soon as they put on City shirt. Trotters International Traders must have branched out and are passing off duds as Premier League players - 'ere, I can do you a Cornelius for 8 mill and two pony grands a week. Cushty!'. On top of that we've occasionally been persuaded to take on players who are well past their prime and desperate for one last hurrah / one last pay-day (hang your head in shame Robbie Fowler), or to take a punt on journeymen players on the back of a purple patch in an otherwise undistinguished career.
In January 2006 Dave Jones signed the prolific (10 goals in 21 games) Darlington forward Guylain Ndumbu-Nsungu, affectionately known as 'Dave', a sobriquet he objected to. He might have got a fairer hearing if, one, he hadn't actually said 'Please don't call me Dave' and, two, he'd been any good. He made 11 appearances, 7 as sub and failed to record a single goal. So 'Dave' it was.
Until Cornelius, all other window signings could be measured against this folly. The 'Dave Scale' has a spread of 1-5, so that the signing of Ndumbu-Nsungu scores a maximum 5 Daves. Other window signings in the recent past include:
2002 Fan Zhiyi 4 Daves
2006 Iwan Redan 4 Daves
2006 Malvin Kamara 4 Daves
2007 Robbie Fowler 5 Daves
2008 Eddie Johnson 4 Daves
2008 Quincy Owusu-Abeyie 4 Daves
2008 Dimi Dropalttashots 4 Daves
2010 Jon Parkin 3 Daves
2012 Etien Velikonja 6 Daves
So what can we expect from the latest crop?
I was reassured by Sir Alex Ferguson's comment that 'Da Silva has all the attributes to become one of the best full-backs in the world'. Unfortunately he was talking about Fabio's twin brother Rafael.
Kenwynne Jones has an interesting back story. A foundling, discovered in a forest clearing in Mynydd Hiraethog in deepest darkest Denbighshire in 1984 by two local schoolboys, Ken and Wynne Jones, he comes with a half-decent scoring record and a fearsome reputation. For sulking. Having previously gone on strike at Southampton until granted a transfer, he recently texted Mark Hughes that he would not be available for their game against Liverpool. Committed to the cause then.
Wilfred Za-ha, son of an Alan Partridge tribute act with a fondness for the poetry of the First World War is a fully fledged England international, currently unable to force his way into the Man Utd first team who has never tried it on with David Moyes' daughter.
Norway's Magnus Wolf Eikrem Jo Inge Berget Matts Moller Daehli has joined us from Solskjaer's former club Molde and is renowned for his defensive midfield attacking tracking back qualities and for being an anagram of Mswfemojiebtmsmrdiagnuolngeergeattolleaehl which is Norwegian for 'blond haired blue eyed pure bred fleet footed footballing genius'. Which is promising.
They say the past is another country. It looks like our future is Norway. Whatever happens 'Jeg skal vaere der ed min lille pick og shovel jeg skal være der...'
Re: NORWICH PREVIEW
Fri Jan 31, 2014 5:45 pm
Credit where it is due that is great piece!