Jokes thread

Haven't seen a jokes thread for a while so I'll start one!

A policeman knocked on my door in the early hours.
"Oh my God, what is it? My daughter is late home. Oh God, no. Please, no."
He said, "I'm sorry sir, there's been a terrible accident."
Sobbing, I asked, "What is it?"
"We've knocked on the wrong door."

So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.

Bullshit, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a paedophile.

So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.

Bullshit, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a paedophile.

I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.

"That's total bollocks" I replied.

By text, from across the road.

Stuart Francis Stand Up Jokes

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that." "

I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."

"I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice." "

I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth." "

I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer." "

There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."

"Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down." "

Don't Worry I haven't heard of you either!"

"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me" "

I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified" "

"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic" "

I have a girlfriend, I've been going out with my girlfriend for........sex!" "

My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife" "

My wife and I have decided we don't want any children if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrow" "

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow"

More Stuart Francis Jokes...

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.


I am the youngest of three. Both my parents are older.

You know who give kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says yes.


At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair.


So what if I can't spell armaggedon. It's not the end of the world.

Through no fault of his own my uncle crashed his car into a lemon tree. He is still bitter and twisted.

What is the big deal about trainspotters… I counted 27 of the losers today.

My teacher said I'd do much better at school if I stopped flirting… I immediately got off his lap.

I love going on blind dates because you can stare at their tits. Some of you are now thinking — “Hey you can’t make fun of the blind.” ........Watch me.

My uncle was crushed by a piano; his funeral was very low key.

I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow.

If I repeatedly stab my cornflakes does that make me a cereal killer?

I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, you ****. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.

I used to have a job as a pantomime horse, but quit while I was a head.

I had an unemployed dwarf do a bit of casual work for me; he asked to be paid under the table.

I’m not an expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.

Did I already tell you my Alzheimer's joke?

The other day, I said to my wife "you're a MILK." She replied, "it's MILF, dickhead." I said "no, it's MILK - I want to kill you, not f**k you..."

Adam Brown