Footy jokes thread
Sat Sep 21, 2013 6:39 pm
At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator. suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.
'THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, LAD,' SAID THE ELDERLY CHAP STANDING NEXT TO HIM...
'IT'S LIKE THE BOMBS DURING THE WAR. YOU WON'T GET HIT UNLESS THE BOTTLE'S GOT YOUR NAME ON IT.'
'THAT'S JUST WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT,' SAID THE FAN...
'MY NAME'S JOHNNY WALKER
Paddy went off to a football match one Saturday afternoon, and while he was away his wife was 'visited by a 'friend' who just happened to be jogging past her house and was dressed in shorts and singlet.
The wife was happily entertaining him on the sofa when suddenly they heard her husband coming through the front door.
Quick as a flash, the visitor hid behind the large television set in the corner.
THE HUSBAND CAME IN AND SAID...
'IT'S STARTED TO POUR WITH RAIN SO I THOUGHT I'D COME HOME AND WATCH THE SECOND HALF ON TELLY.'
He switched on the television and settled down to watch the game. After about twenty minutes the wife's visitor started to get severe cramp so, casting caution to the winds, he calmly got up from behind the set and walked out of the room.
THE HUSBAND TURNED TO HIS WIFE AND SAID...
'THAT'S FUNNY - I DIDN'T SEE THE REF SEND HIM OFF.'
“Did you hear what happened to old Andy McTavish last Saturday?”
“He walked all the way to Cardiff for the Cup Final to save on the train fare and then had to pay £20 to get in because he was too tired to climb over the wall!”
Messi is out at a bar, and flirting with a good looking woman. She invites him over to her house, and she goes into the bathroom, telling Messi to get comfortable.
She comes back and finds Messi laying in bed with 2 naked men. She exclaims, “What the hell is going on?!” to which Messi sheepishly replies:
“I’m sorry! I can’t perform without Xavi or Iniesta!”
I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job. I knew it was a poor squad with no future, so I declined the offer. I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.
Have you heard about the new Arsenal Bra?
It has a lot of support but no cups.
Rihanna should marry one of the Bristol City players instead of Chris Brown, they don’t beat anyone.
My missus just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.
I’m a bit gutted about it; we’d been going out for 3 seasons.
A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Eland Road. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
BREAKING NEWS: Danny Welbeck just went on a large shooting spree in Manchester.....
No-one was hit.
Man United have rested Wayne Rooney, Robin van Persie and Howard Webb for next week’s game against Swansea.
Ceasefire in Syria as UN send in Fernando Torres – No shots reported so far.
'THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, LAD,' SAID THE ELDERLY CHAP STANDING NEXT TO HIM...
'IT'S LIKE THE BOMBS DURING THE WAR. YOU WON'T GET HIT UNLESS THE BOTTLE'S GOT YOUR NAME ON IT.'
'THAT'S JUST WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT,' SAID THE FAN...
'MY NAME'S JOHNNY WALKER
Paddy went off to a football match one Saturday afternoon, and while he was away his wife was 'visited by a 'friend' who just happened to be jogging past her house and was dressed in shorts and singlet.
The wife was happily entertaining him on the sofa when suddenly they heard her husband coming through the front door.
Quick as a flash, the visitor hid behind the large television set in the corner.
THE HUSBAND CAME IN AND SAID...
'IT'S STARTED TO POUR WITH RAIN SO I THOUGHT I'D COME HOME AND WATCH THE SECOND HALF ON TELLY.'
He switched on the television and settled down to watch the game. After about twenty minutes the wife's visitor started to get severe cramp so, casting caution to the winds, he calmly got up from behind the set and walked out of the room.
THE HUSBAND TURNED TO HIS WIFE AND SAID...
'THAT'S FUNNY - I DIDN'T SEE THE REF SEND HIM OFF.'
“Did you hear what happened to old Andy McTavish last Saturday?”
“He walked all the way to Cardiff for the Cup Final to save on the train fare and then had to pay £20 to get in because he was too tired to climb over the wall!”
Messi is out at a bar, and flirting with a good looking woman. She invites him over to her house, and she goes into the bathroom, telling Messi to get comfortable.
She comes back and finds Messi laying in bed with 2 naked men. She exclaims, “What the hell is going on?!” to which Messi sheepishly replies:
“I’m sorry! I can’t perform without Xavi or Iniesta!”
I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job. I knew it was a poor squad with no future, so I declined the offer. I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.
Have you heard about the new Arsenal Bra?
It has a lot of support but no cups.
Rihanna should marry one of the Bristol City players instead of Chris Brown, they don’t beat anyone.
My missus just split up with me because she thinks I’m obsessed with football.
I’m a bit gutted about it; we’d been going out for 3 seasons.
A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Eland Road. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.
BREAKING NEWS: Danny Welbeck just went on a large shooting spree in Manchester.....
No-one was hit.
Man United have rested Wayne Rooney, Robin van Persie and Howard Webb for next week’s game against Swansea.
Ceasefire in Syria as UN send in Fernando Torres – No shots reported so far.
Re: Footy jokes thread
Sat Sep 21, 2013 7:28 pm
England have just signed Vicky Price. Apparently she is good a taking penalties.
Re: Footy jokes thread
Sat Sep 21, 2013 7:34 pm
Fool the joke thread it's all happening on the clothing topic !! Lol 
Re: Footy jokes thread
Sat Sep 21, 2013 7:37 pm
Swansea City
Re: Footy jokes thread
Sat Sep 21, 2013 7:51 pm
Heh, a gouple of gems there 
Q: What do you call a Sunderland fan with an IQ of 90?
A: Extremly gifted!
Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."
Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
Fernando Torres has settled as a barman. He is good at putting shots over the bar
A manc, a scouse and an african man are all waiting for their wives to give birth. The nurse comes out and says :
"Gents, theres been a problem, we mixed up the babies and we don't know which baby belongs to who.... You'll have to pick randomly"
The manc goes in first and comes out with a black baby.
The black guy tells him : "hey don't you think that's my baby? "
The manc replies:"yes surely, but one of the two white babies is a scouse and I'm not willing to take that risk !"
An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 200000 KM. Scientists have named it "Sergio Ramos"
I was role-playing with my girlfriend last night, she asked me if I could pretend to be Man City. I asked her why, she replied "because I want you to be on top for most of the time, but then come second"
Q: What do you call a Sunderland fan with an IQ of 90?
A: Extremly gifted!
Striker: "I had an open goal but still I didn't score. I could kick myself."
Manager: "I wouldn't bother. You'd probably miss."
Fernando Torres has settled as a barman. He is good at putting shots over the bar
A manc, a scouse and an african man are all waiting for their wives to give birth. The nurse comes out and says :
"Gents, theres been a problem, we mixed up the babies and we don't know which baby belongs to who.... You'll have to pick randomly"
The manc goes in first and comes out with a black baby.
The black guy tells him : "hey don't you think that's my baby? "
The manc replies:"yes surely, but one of the two white babies is a scouse and I'm not willing to take that risk !"
An asteroid has narrowly missed the Earth by 200000 KM. Scientists have named it "Sergio Ramos"
I was role-playing with my girlfriend last night, she asked me if I could pretend to be Man City. I asked her why, she replied "because I want you to be on top for most of the time, but then come second"
Re: Footy jokes thread
Sat Sep 21, 2013 8:22 pm
This thread should be done under the trades description 
: act:laughing5: :laughing5
: act:laughing5: :laughing5