o/t Toilet habits

After drinking Guinness I could be wiping my arse all day

Always get satisfaction from a clean wipe too, you feel good with a clean drop.

..........Agree. It's a phenomenon known as a "Ghost Shite". Even more spooky when there's no trace of a jobbie in the pan. As a child I was told that the Bum Goblin was responsible for this and that he lived in the sewers and would climb up the pipes to the toilet to snatch your turd. Leighton James has since changed career and can now be heard spouting bollocks on the radio.

i got tears rolling down my cheeks here

Lets lighten the mood.

How many people on here have a look at the paper after a wipe? I used to have a sneaky sniff too till i dabbed my nose on some brown and my partner had to point it out!!!

always had you down as a bit of a brown noser

I'm a bloke but my moment of revelation came when I learned to wipe sitting down and then back to front. You get a much easier and better clean than doing it while standing up.I had my gall bladder removed just over a year ago and was in so much pain it was impossible to do while standing up, I've done it that way ever since

I'm a bloke but my moment of revelation came when I learned to wipe sitting down and then back to front. You get a much easier and better clean than doing it while standing up.I had my gall bladder removed just over a year ago and was in so much pain it was impossible to do while standing up, I've done it that way ever since

Thats just fucked up! U sir r a freak!! Back 2 front thats just mental!!!

I'm a bloke but my moment of revelation came when I learned to wipe sitting down and then back to front. You get a much easier and better clean than doing it while standing up.I had my gall bladder removed just over a year ago and was in so much pain it was impossible to do while standing up, I've done it that way ever since

Thats just fucked up! U sir r a freak!! Back 2 front thats just mental!!!

Try it next time, you will be surprised sir. Gives you a much cleaner wipe than standing up and letting your cheeks run together and smear it everywhere

I'm a bloke but my moment of revelation came when I learned to wipe sitting down and then back to front. You get a much easier and better clean than doing it while standing up.I had my gall bladder removed just over a year ago and was in so much pain it was impossible to do while standing up, I've done it that way ever since

Thats just fucked up! U sir r a freak!! Back 2 front thats just mental!!!

Try it next time, you will be surprised sir. Gives you a much cleaner wipe than standing up and letting your cheeks run together and smear it everywhere

I see a poll brewing on which way you wipe ur arse here...........

as a right handed person I find it more or less impossible to wipe with my left , anybody else tried this or do we have ambidextrus arse wipers on here ? I know I cant spell mun

I see a poll brewing on which way you wipe ur arse here...........

Done, though not on here. Wouldn't let me start a poll. All in the name of science obviously

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=46928&start=0

I see a poll brewing on which way you wipe ur arse here...........

Done, though not on here. Wouldn't let me start a poll. All in the name of science obviously

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=46928&start=0

Crazy thread all this talk of dumps prompted me to the bog, where i just give birth to a lamp post in a 'Jacks home shirt' ewwwwwwwwww The stench....

Okay the Suckster definitive guide:

1. Good piece of paper make a grabbing motion from front and back of the hole.

2. Inspect for debris such as mushrooms, jalapenos etc.

3. Main muck should now be gone so with paper a dabbing pressing technique should be used BUT NO BIG wipes as the brown crayon could end up spreading up the cheeks.

4. If a never ending dabbing situation finish, give an hour to crust then return and remove.

Oh and if wet wipes about can give a good finish.

my fav is the acid poo u cant beat a bit of good ring sting

haa haa just found this in with the smilies

Went straight to a wet wipe earlier, big mistake!!!!

Give a try........

The worst is when it's a hot day and let's just say humidity levels down there are in the 90%s!

No better feeling than a clean wipe though. Saying that though, nothing worse than an initial clean wipe and after a second precautionary check the bowels are re-opened!

MMM thats a none clearence turd my friend.

The pwp has broken into bits in the colon and can catch mere mortals. My tip is an extra squeeze after final wipe then wipe, if crayoned then give 5 for minutes and repeat.

Cheers mate, you could well have just revolutionised my pooing experience. Just in time for the messy summer season as well!

Well tbh i love to shit on the toilet seat and wait for someone to go into the toilet.

I am still amzaed at the tender age of 49, how sweetcorn manages to go through whole

and whole peas

Giving birth to a food baby is an art form. Performed poorly leads to pants soilage and crustation.

NEVER over push due to piles, wipe when seated for sphincter stretch, a wipe, then dab then fresh wipe.

Follow these tips and u'll be a turd guru too.

Types of Shit

The Ghost
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Shit
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. you have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Shit
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Shit
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit
This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Shit
You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Shit
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

The King Kong / The Commode Choker
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Shit
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish Shit
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!

Cement Block or Oh God Shit
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.

The Snake
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Shit / Floater Shit
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Shit / Screamers
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Shit
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee Shit

The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire
The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Crippler #2
You've shit so much you're lucky if you still have a skeleton.

Ebola Shit
In lamen's terms, Ebola is a disease where you basically crap out all of your inards.

The Big Bobber
The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Shit
The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper Shit
The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Shit
The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Shit
The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Shit
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.

Oh Shit! Shit

You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!

The Never Ending Shit
It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.

Merlin that was a superb outline of shitting in modern day Britain.

Im proud of you mate, that should be published.

Thanks!

Read that last post by me - come on - admit it's genius!

This thread is shit

Shit happens.

Shit happens.

I would have preferred Dave jones to use this quote after games! Lol

nothing worse than getting caught short while out walking the dogs on the mountains, no toilet roll, no dock leaves to hand. Just look for a good long banking. Let rip then skid down the banking as fast as you can and you pass the flies heading uphill towards the sheit. Then face a long uncomfortable walk home That Andrex is heavenly when u eventually reach the pan

Asda pizza last night, jalos and extra chorizo put on at home.

Did a turd this morning that came out and looked like a Mr Whippy ice cream! Was going to sprinkle hundreds and thousands on it.