ANY GOOD JOKES

Police were called to a lane near where i live where 2 boys were. 1 was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
A police Spokesperson said one had been charged and the other was let off!!


From Sky News:
The dead Mi6 Agent found in a bag in his london flat has been named as Brian Shepherd.
He is thought to have been stabbed and put into a hot bath first.
Police are treating it as a
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Boil in the Bag Sheperds spy!!

I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night.

It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.

I had to call my bank today and they put me through to a call centre in Pakistan.

Terrible line, I couldn't understand a word, it sounded like they were under water.

Mate just text me this one!

So I'm sat behind this prick who obviously can't drive: he's weaving all over the road, cutting people up. So I'm sat there shouting at him, "You stupid Paki c**t, learn to f*cking drive!"

At this point he told me to get out of his cab.

What's worse than finding a fly in your soup?


A vein in your hot dog.

Mate just text me this one!

So I'm sat behind this prick who obviously can't drive: he's weaving all over the road, cutting people up. So I'm sat there shouting at him, "You stupid Paki c**t, learn to f*cking drive!"

At this point he told me to get out of his cab.

Freddie mecury is called to see god god says "Freddie i always liked your music and im going to give you another life on earth what do youwant to be" Mercury says "a swansea city goalkeeper " god says "why the f**k do u want to be a swansea keeper"
Mercury says "Because i will have 10 arseholes in front of me 15,000 pricks around me and i wont catch anything

man lost in a hotair balloon over ireland.he looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him" where am i'? The irish farmer looks up and shouts back" u cant fool me u prick,i know ur in that fuckin basket!"

why didnt the kids in Pakistan get into 6th form ?
Their GCSE's Were all below C level.

whats pink and hard?
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A pig with a flick knife!!!!!!!!

A 94 year old chap is tending to his front garden when he sees a frog. The frog says to him "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess, you can do what you want with me and I’ll be your sex slave forever".

So the guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog says "Didn’t you hear me? I said if you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess, you can do what you want with me and I’ll be your sex slave forever".

"At my age?" says the guy, "I’d rather have a talking frog".

a lad comes home from school with 2 black eyes his dad says " what the f**k have you been doing"

lad- " a boy hit me with a piece of wood "

dad-" you should have stood up for yourself son, did you not have anything in your hands? "

lad- " yeah......his girlfriends tits "

i asked the wife in bed last nite for a " chilean miner "

what the f**k is that she said??

go down to the bottom of the shaft
and stay there till f*cking christmas....

Freddie mecury is called to see god god says "Freddie i always liked your music and im going to give you another life on earth what do youwant to be" Mercury says "a swansea city goalkeeper " god says "why the f**k do u want to be a swansea keeper"
Mercury says "Because i will have 10 arseholes in front of me 15,000 pricks around me and i wont catch anything