I wanted to die says ex-Premier League star

Clarke Carlisle suicide bid: 'I jumped in front of lorry because I wanted to die'

Thurs 5th Feb 2015

The depressed former footballer suffered serious injuries and was in a coma for a month - now he is speaking out to encourage other sufferers to seek help.

Tearful Clarke Carlisle told last night how he nearly died after throwing himself in front of a lorry in a desperate suicide bid.

The former PFA chairman and TV pundit told the Sun: “I wanted to die.”

Clarke, 35, has battled depression for 18 months. The ex-Premier League star spoke out to encourage sufferers to seek help.

The former PFA chief reveals how he found a spot on the A64 Leeds to York dual carriageway, picked out one of the lorries thundering towards him before calmly stepping over the barrier and jumping towards it.

He is speaking out to encourage others stricken by depression to seek help and to thank the medical staff who saved his life after treating his appalling injuries.

He said: “My road to recovery will be eternal. Today I am excited and I’m confident because I’ve finally been truly diagnosed.”

Clarke’s wife Gemma Carlisle said last night: “We send our love & thoughts to the lorry driver & family. It could have been anyone and Clarke is desperately sorry that it was him.”

She added: “Suicide & depression is not selfish. It’s a serious illness where your world & reality are warped.”

Looking battered and bruised, Clarke finally returned home at the end of January, six weeks after being hit by the lorry.

The star, who played for nine clubs and was a players’ union boss, suffered head injuries and was in a coma for a month.

The dad of three, from Cattal, North Yorkshire, and his family were inundated with messages of support following the accident.

A host of footballers, former clubs, fans’ organisations and charities sent messages to his bedside at Leeds General Infirmary.

He made his suicide attempt just days after he was stopped for alleged drink driving in London.

He was charged with failing to provide a sample on December 20, two days before the incident.

But he is still not well enough to appear in front of JPs at Highbury Corner magistrates’ court in North London and his legal team postponed the hearing until March.

After his relieved wife Gemma told fans that she was collecting the dad-of-three from hospital to bring him back to his home in Yorkshirre she tweeted: “Nearly 6 weeks on... Today I'm collecting Mr C to come home full time!

“Thanks once again for your amazing support and love. #luckytobehere.”

Clarke and his family were inundated with messages of support following the accident.

And football fans greeted the news of his return home with relief.

One told her: “Great news, nothing like recovering in your own home with your family around you, I know from experience! #HomeboundClarke .”

A fan called Jonathan added: “Great news Gemma. Best wishes to you all and hopefully Clarke will be back on our screens soon. #enjoy life.”

The former head of the Professional Footballers’ Association was walking on the A64 near Bishopthorpe, North Yorks., three days before Christmas when he was hit.

Police have launched an investigation into the circumstances of the incident and appealed for witnesses.

Clarke finally came out of a coma two weeks ago. His wife told followers: "Thank you again for asking after Clarke. He's still in hospital but is getting better & stronger each day."

She was asked by another Twitter-user: "Is he awake yet Gemma? Hope he's well soon."

She replied: "Yes."

A host of footballers, former clubs, fans' organisations and charities sent messages to his bedside at Leeds General Infirmary.

The accident happened just days after he was stopped for alleged drink driving in London.

He was charged with failing to provide a sample on December 20, two days before the incident.

But he is still not well renough to appear in front of JPs at Highbury Corner magistrates’ court in North London and his legal team postponed the hearing until March.

The TV pundit was treated in hospital for broken ribs and cuts and bruises.

In a statement, his family said at the time of the crash horror: "Our family and especially Clarke, would like to thank each and every person for their unbelievable support at this very difficult time.

“The fantastic and expert attention of all of the staff at Leeds General infirmary has brought him from a critical condition to a stable and relatively comfortable one."

Carlisle, 35, made more than 500 appearances during a 16-year playing career at nine clubs - Blackpool, QPR, Leeds Utd, Watford, Luton, Burnley, Preston, York and Northampton.

I know his pain. Glad he survived to tell his story and help others.

I know his pain. Glad he survived to tell his story and help others.

I wonder who's helping the poor lorry driver!

I know his pain. Glad he survived to tell his story and help others.

I wonder who's helping the poor lorry driver!

I know someone who killed a suicidal man. He was driving his lorry and this guy just pulled out into his lane. By a weird coincidence I also knew the dead man. Horrific! The driver is still going through the aftermath years later.

However, nobody, unless they've had depression, can understand the lack of perspective experienced at the time when contemplating suicide. I hope the driver is getting all the help he needs, but yes, it is a terrible thing to go through.

I know his pain. Glad he survived to tell his story and help others.

I wonder who's helping the poor lorry driver!

I know someone who killed a suicidal man. He was driving his lorry and this guy just pulled out into his lane. By a weird coincidence I also knew the dead man. Horrific! The driver is still going through the aftermath years later.

However, nobody, unless they've had depression, can understand the lack of perspective experienced at the time when contemplating suicide. I hope the driver is getting all the help he needs, but yes, it is a terrible thing to go through.

Depression is a hell of a thing and I've seen several suicides and attempted suicides!

Clearly the suicidal persons must be in a hell of a bad place at that time, but the trouble with this type of suicide or suicide attempt, which is the same as people jumping in front of trains, it shows a complete lack of thought for the other major party in the final moment, the driver!

I know his pain. Glad he survived to tell his story and help others.

I wonder who's helping the poor lorry driver!

I know someone who killed a suicidal man. He was driving his lorry and this guy just pulled out into his lane. By a weird coincidence I also knew the dead man. Horrific! The driver is still going through the aftermath years later.

However, nobody, unless they've had depression, can understand the lack of perspective experienced at the time when contemplating suicide. I hope the driver is getting all the help he needs, but yes, it is a terrible thing to go through.

Depression is a hell of a thing and I've seen several suicides and attempted suicides!

Clearly the suicidal persons must be in a hell of a bad place at that time, but the trouble with this type of suicide or suicide attempt, which is the same as people jumping in front of trains, it shows a complete lack of thought for the other major party in the final moment, the driver!

Depression of that sort is a serious illness, and only people who have been there know what it's like. To jump in front of a lorry shows that he wasn't just thinking about the driver, he wasn't in a position to think about anything at all. The help available for sufferers in this country has been pretty poor for years, probably due to the budget restraints affecting the whole of the NHS.

Very sad to read.

He's "allegedly" already had a court injunction in past times stopping the reporting of a prior attempted suicide

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

Have some sympathy, the mans not well.
Hopefully he can get the help he needs now, also help others in a similar situation.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

Have some sympathy, the mans not well.
Hopefully he can get the help he needs now, also help others in a similar situation.

Well he's got a few quid now as well by selling his story to the Sun.Why would you do that.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

Maybe say it to his face instead of from behind a keyboard.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

Maybe say it to his face instead of from behind a keyboard.

What and let him pull me under the lorry with him. No chance.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

I'd advise you to do some reading up on depression and mental illnesses before making comments like this. Education on these illnesses as a whole in this country is pretty poor and the treatment of them isn't much better. The government and NHS need to do much more to prevent outcomes such as this, one of the few things I agree with Nick Clegg about.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

I'd advise you to do some reading up on depression and mental illnesses before making comments like this. Education on these illnesses as a whole in this country is pretty poor and the treatment of them isn't much better. The government and NHS need to do much more to prevent outcomes such as this, one of the few things I agree with Nick Clegg about.

That I shall do and I will.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

I'd advise you to do some reading up on depression and mental illnesses before making comments like this. Education on these illnesses as a whole in this country is pretty poor and the treatment of them isn't much better. The government and NHS need to do much more to prevent outcomes such as this, one of the few things I agree with Nick Clegg about.

That is fine and I will, but I am also aloud an opinion, and too end your life and bring a total stranger into your dilemma is wrong. Cant you also see that.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

I'd advise you to do some reading up on depression and mental illnesses before making comments like this. Education on these illnesses as a whole in this country is pretty poor and the treatment of them isn't much better. The government and NHS need to do much more to prevent outcomes such as this, one of the few things I agree with Nick Clegg about.

Depression seen from the outside could be seen as some kind of selfishness where the depressed person is all about 'me me me'. However, I have had extensive personal experience of depression (not me) and agree totally with you ianmackay88, there is a great deal of misinformation, stigma and lack of understanding about mental health issues. A depressed person just can't help it... the chemical inbalance, although not visibly obvious, can be life threatening and extreme. We need much more resources and support for people suffering from mental health issues.

I hope CC and the truck driver get some good support. They are both going to need it.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

I'd advise you to do some reading up on depression and mental illnesses before making comments like this. Education on these illnesses as a whole in this country is pretty poor and the treatment of them isn't much better. The government and NHS need to do much more to prevent outcomes such as this, one of the few things I agree with Nick Clegg about.

That is fine and I will, but I am also aloud an opinion, and too end your life and bring a total stranger into your dilemma is wrong. Cant you also see that.

Other more informed people are also entitled to voice their opinion that you're talking completely out of your arse. People who go to commit suicide aren't generally thinking about those sorts of things. Their psychological state of mind isn't in a rational place whereby they logically assess each and every situation at all. They just want to end it and see death as the only way out or way to escape from whatever it is they feel they can't deal with by other means. Before you spout more ignorant views I suggest you go read up and get informed.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

I'd advise you to do some reading up on depression and mental illnesses before making comments like this. Education on these illnesses as a whole in this country is pretty poor and the treatment of them isn't much better. The government and NHS need to do much more to prevent outcomes such as this, one of the few things I agree with Nick Clegg about.

Depression seen from the outside could be seen as some kind of selfishness where the depressed person is all about 'me me me'. However, I have had extensive personal experience of depression (not me) and agree totally with you ianmackay88, there is a great deal of misinformation, stigma and lack of understanding about mental health issues. A depressed person just can't help it... the chemical inbalance, although not visibly obvious, can be life threatening and extreme. We need much more resources and support for people suffering from mental health issues.

I hope CC and the truck driver get some good support. They are both going to need it.

But CC has put this truck driver in this situation he should be charged by law for his actions. If I tried to throw some innocent person over a balcony with me and both servived you can be sure I would be up in court.

They only ever reported it as an accident, surprised it was kept quiet, and his arrest for drink driving. Seems like the self-proclaimed most intelligent man in football had a few favours.
My thoughts go to the driver.

I meant to say charges when he is fit to face the charges.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

I'd advise you to do some reading up on depression and mental illnesses before making comments like this. Education on these illnesses as a whole in this country is pretty poor and the treatment of them isn't much better. The government and NHS need to do much more to prevent outcomes such as this, one of the few things I agree with Nick Clegg about.

That is fine and I will, but I am also aloud an opinion, and too end your life and bring a total stranger into your dilemma is wrong. Cant you also see that.

Other more informed people are also entitled to voice their opinion that you're talking completely out of your arse. People who go to commit suicide aren't generally thinking about those sorts of things. Their psychological state of mind isn't in a rational place whereby they logically assess each and every situation at all. They just want to end it and see death as the only way out or way to escape from whatever it is they feel they can't deal with by other means. Before you spout more ignorant views I suggest you go read up and get informed.

I don't have to go and do anything. Oh and by the way you are talking out of your arse

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

I'd advise you to do some reading up on depression and mental illnesses before making comments like this. Education on these illnesses as a whole in this country is pretty poor and the treatment of them isn't much better. The government and NHS need to do much more to prevent outcomes such as this, one of the few things I agree with Nick Clegg about.

Depression seen from the outside could be seen as some kind of selfishness where the depressed person is all about 'me me me'. However, I have had extensive personal experience of depression (not me) and agree totally with you ianmackay88, there is a great deal of misinformation, stigma and lack of understanding about mental health issues. A depressed person just can't help it... the chemical inbalance, although not visibly obvious, can be life threatening and extreme. We need much more resources and support for people suffering from mental health issues.

I hope CC and the truck driver get some good support. They are both going to need it.

But CC has put this truck driver in this situation he should be charged by law for his actions. If I tried to throw some innocent person over a balcony with me and both servived you can be sure I would be up in court.

He may very well have to pay for his actions and should at least provide compensation to the drive. However the point is that depression can really put someones right from wrong, empathy and general awareness of people and things around them out-of-kilter.... like a married bipolar person having frequent sexual encounters with many partners, a depressed person spending thousands on credit cards, forgetting to pick children up from school... it's really really not their fault and is a mental illness.

So CC would not have been thinking about the truck driver, not because he's a bad guy and 'decided' not to - he just couldn't and was mentally incapable of doing so.

What a selfish prick Carlisle is,he could have killed that poor lorry driver too.NO SYMPATHY.

I'd advise you to do some reading up on depression and mental illnesses before making comments like this. Education on these illnesses as a whole in this country is pretty poor and the treatment of them isn't much better. The government and NHS need to do much more to prevent outcomes such as this, one of the few things I agree with Nick Clegg about.

Depression seen from the outside could be seen as some kind of selfishness where the depressed person is all about 'me me me'. However, I have had extensive personal experience of depression (not me) and agree totally with you ianmackay88, there is a great deal of misinformation, stigma and lack of understanding about mental health issues. A depressed person just can't help it... the chemical inbalance, although not visibly obvious, can be life threatening and extreme. We need much more resources and support for people suffering from mental health issues.

I hope CC and the truck driver get some good support. They are both going to need it.

But CC has put this truck driver in this situation he should be charged by law for his actions. If I tried to throw some innocent person over a balcony with me and both servived you can be sure I would be up in court.

He may very well have to pay for his actions and should at least provide compensation to the drive. However the point is that depression can really put someones right from wrong, empathy and general awareness of people and things around them out-of-kilter.... like a married bipolar person having frequent sexual encounters with many partners, a depressed person spending thousands on credit cards, forgetting to pick children up from school... it's really really not their fault and is a mental illness.

So CC would not have been thinking about the truck driver, not because he's a bad guy and 'decided' not to - he just couldn't and was mentally incapable of doing so.

Good point.

Depression is one of the worst illnesses around, my Sister got hit by a car driven by an illegal immigrant whilst on holiday in Greece, she ended up having her right leg amputated below the knee, this set her back massively as you can only imagine, she has a little son and a partner at the time, the effect of the accident caused her to spiral into a dark depression, her relationship broke down, her bond with her son broke down, it took time to recover, she learnt how to drive again and do things for herself, she has up & down days, more downs than ups, still has problems with her legs 4 years on, she suffers daily with pain and recurring nightmares of the accident, this has led to a depressive pattern emerging on a daily basis, she is due to go into a clinic for a month’s detox program, where we hope she gets the support and help she needs. You also have to think about the effect depression has on family members of people who suffer with it, my poor Mam goes through the ringer with my Sister on a daily basis, it's not good at all, whereas my Dad and I don't get it near as bad.

Depression is one of the worst illnesses around, my Sister got hit by a car driven by an illegal immigrant whilst on holiday in Greece, she ended up having her right leg amputated below the knee, this set her back massively as you can only imagine, she has a little son and a partner at the time, the effect of the accident caused her to spiral into a dark depression, her relationship broke down, her bond with her son broke down, it took time to recover, she learnt how to drive again and do things for herself, she has up & down days, more downs than ups, still has problems with her legs 4 years on, she suffers daily with pain and recurring nightmares of the accident, this has led to a depressive pattern emerging on a daily basis, she is due to go into a clinic for a month’s detox program, where we hope she gets the support and help she needs. You also have to think about the effect depression has on family members of people who suffer with it, my poor Mam goes through the ringer with my Sister on a daily basis, it's not good at all, whereas my Dad and I don't get it near as bad.

I feel your pain and also have to deal with someone with very acute depression. It is very very hard and at times difficult not to blame the person for their behaviour and attitude towards the very people who care for them the most. I 'get' what your mums goes through.

However there is always hope and there are some good services out there though and also medication can help.

People dealing with a depressed person need to get their own downtime and a support network in place.

I don't have to go and do anything. Oh and by the way you are talking out of your arse

You are. You're claiming people who are in no fit mental state are selfish. Ridiculous. People like you stop progression and the helping of such individuals and why many feel they cant speak out about such things. You're an absolute idiot.

I know his pain. Glad he survived to tell his story and help others.

i'm glad the victims of his drink driving (5 times) survived to tell the story.

i feel sorry for anyone suffering depression, but i struggle to feel for a man that has put countless others lives at risk. having depression shouldn't exempt you from culpability from serious crimes.

One of the common things a person suffering from
Clinical depression is the indulgence in dangerous behaviours, such as drug and alcohol abuse, risky sports or picking fights. The fact CC drank and drove cannot be excused but it can be understood at least. He was irresponsiblebut that may be the point: Perhaps he is responsible but was incapable of rational thought.

I have every sympathy for others affected by a depressed person's actions, of course I do. I'm just saying that it isn't as easy as apportioning blame.

I suffer from depression and when it happens, the whole world changes. I don't see things the same way and get easily upset or angered by even small thinks. Suicide has been an option, although my way of doing it would be privately and involve nobody else, but that's just me.

It is hard to talk about but ironically, if people aren't judgemental and willing to listen without arguing, that is hugely beneficial so I urge people to reach out to help instead of pointing the finger. Just saying.

A very close member of my family suffered from depression for several years. Some days he would be fine and could go out for a few drinks with his mates and be laughing and joking, talking about his main subject which was always Cardiff city,and other days he would retreat deep inside himself, and was convinced he could hear voices in his head which were real. He had help from social services, and eventually started to get back to his normal self. Then out of the blue, something small happened which was magnified in his own mind, and he took his own life aged 25. I think looking back on it he may have done better contacting one of the charities around, as they tend to be run by people who have recovered from this illness. Unless you have been there, or been close to someone suffering from depression, you should be careful how you make judgement, as this illness can be about as bad as you can get.