Monday Joke thread

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to... life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

Man in shop... Slaps his son around the head and says... Want any sweets... FAT HEAD ?... The shop keeper is shocked and says... Why did you slap your son and call him a fat head ?... Man says i only wanted 3 things in life... A big car... Which i have... A great big house, which i have... And a wife with a nice tight fanny... Which i had... Until f*cking FAT HEAD came along...

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.
As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"
I said, "Who the f**k was that? Stop the car, son."