Xmas jokes thread (official)

Finding out Santa isn't real didn't ruin my childhood.My Uncle's cock did that.

"Can you get some bleach and some washing powder while you're out?", my wife asked."Can you not wait until you've opened your presents tomorrow?", I replied.

There was no way I was gonna go hungry this Christmas. So I went to Tesco and nicked a turkey. The security guard saw me and ran after me shouting; "Oi! what you doing with that"!?I shouted back "Potatoes, peas, carrots & gravy you tw*t"!

I wanted my niece to play with the rabbit I bought her for Christmas, but her mother said that sex toys were not an appropriate gift for an eight-year old.

2/10 For them me old Vaseline monkey The 2 was for the third one which made the corner of my mouth slightly turn up for a nanosecond. Please try and do better See you Monday chuffer

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.

Christmas made easy this year:iPhone for my daughter,iPad for my son,iron for my wife.

Went to my works xmas disco tonight they played 'twist and shout' so i twisted and shouted. They played ' jump' so i jumped then they played cum on eileen' & i was kicked out after that...