NO GAME TODAY FEW JOKES TO LOOK AT

France, Ukraine, Sweden and England...F.U.S.E. No doubt England will blow it...

As one door closes another one opens...

That's just the way it is with a fat birds advent calendar.

One of the 7 dwarves has been arrested for shagging a giraffe. Apparently, the other 6 put him up to it.

The wife said to me today "I bet you can't go one day without cracking a joke about my periods."

"You're on," I said.

Asked my missus for a w@nk last night and she started rubbing my cock with her keyring.

I thought to myself, is it me or is she fobbing me off?

sat at the end of the bed last night pulling my boxers off....the wife says "dont do that to the dogs you pervert"

I reported a dead woman I found over the foreshore to the police. They asked me "How did you find the body?" I replied, "Her tits were ok, but the rigor mortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking".

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......








Bugger off she said 'they're for the funeral.'

....some good ones there lads

a scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in jerusalem when his wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here. The husband said ill ship her home. The undertaker said :but sir why dont you bury her in the holy land and save your money:. The husband said listen here pal, A long time ago a man called jesus was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead.... shes going f*cking home!.

Mr cadbury met miss rowntree on a double decker. It was after eight and they got off at quality street. He asked her name.. "polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a wispa. "I'm marathon the one with the nuts" he replied. He touched her creme eggs and slipped his hand in her snickers. He fondled her flap jacks and she rubbed his tic tacs. It was fab moment as she screamed in Turkish delight as he shot his chewy centre. But three days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch. Turns out miss rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got feckin allsorts!!..
bluebirds!

I reported a dead woman I found over the foreshore to the police. They asked me "How did you find the body?" I replied, "Her tits were ok, but the rigor mortis had tightened her arse a bit too much for my liking".