JOKE WEDNESDAY

The wife said to me yesterday " I bet you can't go one day without cracking a joke about my periods"

" You're on " I said

Three monks are heading for a shower so run across the landing naked, thinking there's nobody about but when they get to the bathroom realise they forgot their soap so head back to get some.

On the way back to the bathroom they see three nuns so freeze and pretend to be statues.The first nun comments on how lifelike the monks look and decides to give his penis a tug, to which he drops the soap.

The second nun tugs the second monks penis and sure enough he drops the soap. The third nun decides to join in but to no avail.

"My monk hasn't dropped the soap," she says furiously.

She keeps tugging and tugging until she shreiks, "OOOOOOOOOO a soap dispenser!"

There was a massive sudden power cut in the city today, as everyone in a 5 mile radius was affected. I was outraged as I was playing COD when it just cut out.

However I have a bit more sympathy for people who were running on treadmills at the time.

Teacher says to three 5 yr old kids, "what have you been doing this break?".
"Playing in the sand" says Becky. If you can spell sand Becky you can have a sweet, Becky spells it right, so therefore gets a sweet.
So Jack, what have you been doing? "Playing in the sand box with Becky". Teacher says "Jack if you can spell box you may have a sweet too", Jack spells it correctly, so gets a sweet.
Teacher turns & asks. "So, Mohammed what you been up to then?" Mohammed replies "Well I wanted to play in the sand box with Becky & Jack, but they wouldn't let me". Teacher says, "Oh dear ! That sounds like a blatant case of racial discrimination". "Mohammed, if you can spell blatant racial discrimination you too can have a sweet".

A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38FF.

The Jew, renowned for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge £50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him £60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jew's remaining stock of 50, and this time for £75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38FF bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for £200.00 each."

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I went to see last night.

He hypnotized 7 guys, tripped over the mic stand and shouted, "f**k ME!"

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.
After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. She asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"
The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's pen*s.
"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"
"Well, darling'" he chuckles proudly, "That's my rope!"
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.
"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

The woman is shopping for a bra, but she has an unusual problem. One of her breasts is much longer than the other one.
The lingerie saleswoman notices her customer's deformity and says, "I notice one of your breasts is longer than the other. How did that happen?"
"To be honest with you," says the shopper, "my husband can't sleep unless he has my breast in his mouth. That explains why one is so much longer than the other."
"How odd," says the clerk, "my husband does the exact same thing but my breasts are the same size."
"Yeah," says the shopper, "but I bet you don't sleep in separate beds."

The Fairy & The Immigrant

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.

My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
Since you've just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said. .
'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to

Sweet f*** all like the rest of us.


And she disappeared !

I've designed some threequarter length baby clothes for black babies.

I'm going to call them kneegrows

I walked into a bar the other night and ordered a drink. After a few more I needed to go to the shitter. I didn't want anyone to steal my drink so I put a post-it note on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". When I returned some tw*t had put another post-it note underneath mine saying "So did I!".

I just got a jehovahs witness advent calendar.
Every time you open a door someone tells you to f**k off!!

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer."Looking at cheap flights" I said."I love you" she said, then she got down on her knees, undid my jeans a proceeded to give me the most amazin blow job ever! Odd behavior seeing as she's never taken an interest in darts before