JOKE WEDNESDAY

I would love for Apple to crash now, the headlines would be..

Apple and Blackberry Crumble.

I really badly wanted a blow job from my girlfriend, but she was stern and kept saying no. Finally she agreed. Now she's giving me one every night, she's literally chomping at the bit.

I can't believe how realistic FIFA 12 is now.....

When it snows you can actually see the snow on Emile Heskeys head.....

And when he takes a shot you can actually see ball narrowly miss the roof of The Holte End.

After a long court battle wit the Chilean Government, it was revealed today that the miners will not be getting paid for their time spent stuck down the mine shaft.

I don't know who's screwed more miners, the Chilean Government or the Catholic Church.

A midget prostitute picked my pockets whilst she was sucking my cock.

That was a low blow.

A man comes home early from work and shouts, "hello darling i'm home". He does'nt get an answer so he thinks, where the bloody hell is she? Next thing he knows, he hears some panting sounds coming from upstairs. The man goes to investigate and walks into his bedroom to find his wife stark naked lying on the bed holding her chest, she says, "Darling I did'nt expect you home at this time, I think i'm having a heart attack!", the man rushes downstairs and picks up the phone, dials 999 and just as he is about to talk to someone, his little boy pulls on his arm and says, "daddy, uncle teddy's in the wardrobe with no clothes on!", the man slams the phone down, runs upstairs, rips the wardrobe door off it's hinges and finds his brother cowerring in the corner completely naked. The man says to him, "you rotten b*stard! the wife's having a f*cking heart attack and you're running round my house frightening the f*cking kids!".

A man has gone to A & E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass.

Doctors have described his condition as "stable."

Record unemployment figures were released today showing 2.57m are without a job, the highest level in 17 years. When asked about the figures Prime Minister David Cameron expressed 'disappointment' probably because he thought the figures would be a lot higher....