JOKE MONDAY

I'm in an Elbow tribute group. We sound so much like them, only real fans can tell the difference.

We're called Arse.

As my wife and I walked around Amsterdam's red light district I looked at the prostitutes sitting there.

"There's a job for you," I said.

"What, do you think I could make good money on the game?" she asked.

"f**k no! The windows need cleaning."

I was f*cking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, "You can't do this to me!"
I said, "I know... that's why I'm doing it to her."

My young daughter asked me this morning.

"Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night, I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream?"

"Nothing darling," I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half shaved head.

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

why didnt the jack have any kids.......cause he didnt have a sister