Something For The Weekend, Sir? 24/09/11

Young man walks in to Granny's bedroom and sees her sucking grandad's dick. He's shocked and runs from the room. Later, when Granny sees him downstairs, he is so upset and she tries to console him. She says "it's natural, everybody does it." He says "I know, but why wasn't it cremated with the rest of him?"

Chat up line:

"I hope you have pet insurance, honey, because I'm about to destroy your pussy."

Spanish woman walks in to a bar in Chelsea and all the Chelsea squad are in there. She walks over to Drogba and asks for his autograph, he signs her right breast and she walks over to Lampard, who signs her left breast. She then spots Abramovich and asks him to sign somewhere more personal. He says "f**k that, the last time I signed a Spanish c**t, it cost me £50 million!"

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer. I said I was looking for cheap flights. She got all excited, which is strange, as she's never shown any interest in darts before!

Just had some awful news.... my mate's new Thai wife's breast cancer has spread to her bollocks.

The wife phoned me and said "you better come to the hospital, my mother hasn't got long to live!"

I said "but Spurs are playing Arsenal."

She said "record it and watch it later."

You should've seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and tripod!