Saturdays joke thread

Clearly distressed, my girlfriend said "Dave, are you ever going to pop the question?"
I replied "I wanted to, but I didn't think you would want it."
"Of course I do, it's every woman's dream." she said.
Ecstatic, I said "Cheers love, i'll get the lube."

The other day I was gardening and spotted a pair of blue tits.

Needless to say I immediately began f*cking the corpse.

Two men sitting on a bridge wall fishing when a hearse comes driving towards them

The one guy gets up, takes off his cap and bows his head as it passes.

His friend turns to him after the hearse drives by and said that was really respectful of you

The guy replies - I was marrried to her for nearly 20 years, it was the least I could do!!!

How do you circumsise a Jack b*stard ?

Kick his sister in the chin!

Our Father, who art in prison, only mum knows thine name, thy riots come, read it in the sun, in Birmingham, as it was in London, give us this day our welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the spliff, the blackberry & the lager, forever and ever......innit

A woman is at a club when a famous football player walks in. They get to talking, hook up and go back to the players place. They proceed to have sex so the woman removes his shirt to find a nike tattoo on his chest. She asks why have you got that. He replies its for sponsorship i get a million pounds if i show it on tv. She removes his pants to find a reebok tattoo on his ankle. Same situation. She removes his pants to find aids tattooed on his penis. The woman screams and says no way. He replies don't worry it will say adidas in a moment

There was this group of "Welshman" (snigger) who liked to post on an internet forum. All of these guys were wired up wrong, they had a srew loose.
Apart from being very dumb and inbred, they all had one thing in common. They all hated their NATIONAL GAME called RUGBY.
This would be funny if it was'nt true. A very sad tale indeed.

There was this group of "Welshman" (snigger) who liked to post on an internet forum. All of these guys were wired up wrong, they had a srew loose.
Apart from being very dumb and inbred, they all had one thing in common. They all hated their NATIONAL GAME called RUGBY.
This would be funny if it was'nt true. A very sad tale indeed.

Grow up mate

Two Jacks standing in the elevator.
''It smells like sperm in here.''
''Sorry, I just burped.''

There was this group of "Welshman" (snigger) who liked to post on an internet forum. All of these guys were wired up wrong, they had a srew loose.
Apart from being very dumb and inbred, they all had one thing in common. They all hated their NATIONAL GAME called RUGBY.
This would be funny if it was'nt true. A very sad tale indeed.

Grow up mate

What do you recommend? Tablets, some form of Shake or a good old stretch?

Dear Deirdre,I was putting up some curtains in the bedroom the other day,when i saw my next door neighbour sunbathing topless in the garden,she looked stunning so i decided to crack one off,when id finished,i turned around and my missus was standing in the doorway,shed been watching me the whole time,is she perverted !