MONDAY NIGHT JOKE THREAD

Yesterday my Mrs came home from work crying her eyes out, She asked me to console her so i hit her over the head with my f*****g xbox.

Yesterday my Mrs came home from work crying her eyes out, She asked me to console her so i hit her over the head with my f*****g xbox.

I once threw a house warming party for the jacks who lived next door, or arson as the judge called it.

A farmer who wants a divorce goes to see a lawyer, The farmer says "Oi wants to get wan of them dayvorces"
Lawyer.... "Do you have grounds? The farmer replies "Yes oi gots me 40 acres
Lawyer... No you dont understand, Do you have a suit ?
Farmer replies Yes oi wears it to church every sunday"
Lawyer.... No i mean do you have a grudge ?
Farmer.. Yes thats where oi parks the tractor.
Lawyer...Does your wife beat you up ?
Farmer ....No we both gets up at 5.30am.
Lawyer getting annoyed now and tries one more question ....Is your wife a nagger ?
Farmer replies No shes white but the baby's a nagger thats why oi wants a fuckin dayvorce !

I love to pamper my Mrs after she's had a stressful day at work, I get her to text me when she's leaving the office so i can get the hot tap running,swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the front door the dishes are piled up nicely waiting for her.

A farmer who wants a divorce goes to see a lawyer, The farmer says "Oi wants to get wan of them dayvorces"
Lawyer.... "Do you have grounds? The farmer replies "Yes oi gots me 40 acres
Lawyer... No you dont understand, Do you have a suit ?
Farmer replies Yes oi wears it to church every sunday"
Lawyer.... No i mean do you have a grudge ?
Farmer.. Yes thats where oi parks the tractor.
Lawyer...Does your wife beat you up ?
Farmer ....No we both gets up at 5.30am.
Lawyer getting annoyed now and tries one more question ....Is your wife a nagger ?
Farmer replies No shes white but the baby's a nagger thats why oi wants a fuckin dayvorce !

I love to pamper my Mrs after she's had a stressful day at work, I get her to text me when she's leaving the office so i can get the hot tap running,swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the front door the dishes are piled up nicely waiting for her.

Hahahah, loool, brilliant. How about this (a bit dark, though):

Best day of my life....Walking down the aisle towards my wife, everyone smiling. Priest said a few nice words, I gave her a kiss....and shut the coffin.

*oh, and yes, I know it's not Monday already, but it's a slow morning in the office