Thursday joke thread

Woman takes hospital tour.She looks in a room, c's a man wanking.Thats awful"she says 2the Doctor.He explains that he has an incurable condition-His testicles fill with semen so fast, he has to do it 5 times a day or he will be in terrible pain.Poor man says the woman.In the next room a nurse is sucking a mans cock.Explain that she says to the Doctor. The Doc says"Its the same condition but hes with BUPA.



2 old ladies discussing cosmetic surgery. 1st lady "I am thinking of having a boob job". 2nd lady "I am having my arsehole bleached"! 1st lady "whoa! I can't imagine your husband blond"!


My new girlfriend said I have to wait 6 months before she'll suck my cock. I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call then.

It's Saturday morning and Dave's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Dave heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Dave. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Dave says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's...dead."

"Oh my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and
he was real scared and he jumped out the back
window into the swimming pool. But he must
have forgot that last week you took out all
the water to clean it up. so he hit the bottom of
the swimming pool and he's dead too!"

There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is
this 015176622?"


Summer was over and the teacher was asking her pupils how they spent their holidays.
She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. “We visited my grandmother in Llanfairpwlchwgyngogoch.” he said.

“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Rhyl."


A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, the mother turns around and says to her young son, "Don't worry; that was just an insect."

The son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin - 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself - these buggers have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her some bathroom scales.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

My wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.






And then I saw her face.

It's Saturday morning and Dave's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Dave heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Dave. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Dave says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's...dead."

"Oh my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and
he was real scared and he jumped out the back
window into the swimming pool. But he must
have forgot that last week you took out all
the water to clean it up. so he hit the bottom of
the swimming pool and he's dead too!"

There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is
this 015176622?"


Summer was over and the teacher was asking her pupils how they spent their holidays.
She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. “We visited my grandmother in Llanfairpwlchwgyngogoch.” he said.

“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Rhyl."


A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, the mother turns around and says to her young son, "Don't worry; that was just an insect."

The son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin - 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself - these buggers have lost the plot!!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint, I pushed the old dear over.

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’ I bought her some bathroom scales.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

My wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.






And then I saw her face.

An Essex maths teacher asks young Tracy, "What comes after 69?"
She says, "Wet wipes and mouth wash miss."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die, you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said, "You're obviously not f*cking listening."

Some crackers there.

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how'd ya do?
" First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.


"Who the hell are MURDOCH, BROOKS AND STEPHENSON?" asked Pinocchio.

I was arrested for punching my wife in the face again. The judge asked "why do you keep beating her?"I said "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork"

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood. It's not as bad as it sounds. I've now got a 12 inch cock and I'm top of the housing list.

I just can't win. I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady. 2 mins later she said,
"Will you f**k off, I'm trying to have a shit !"

My next door neighbour just confronted me about items missing from her washing line.



I nearly shit her pants.

I asked my wife, "Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astaireish ? "She replied, "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave all together, you sick b*stard.........





My daughter came running down the stairs and said, "Dad, Dad... Mummy is limp and lifeless in the bedroom." I said, "Don't I f*cking know it!

A story about 4 people named Everycunt Somecunt Anycunt & Nocunt. 1day there was a job that needed doing & Somecunt was asked 2do it, Everycunt was sure Somecunt wud do it but Nocunt did it. Everycunt got angry because it was Somecunts job. Nocunt realised that Anycunt cud ave dun it. It ended up with Everycunt blaming Somecunt & Nocunt doing what Anycunt could ave dun. I think I work with these cunts!

Three men and a giraffe walk into a pub and have a few pints.
Owner comes out and shouts last round, so they go up and get a last pint.
They walk out the pub closing time, and the giraffe falls over, but the 3 man carry on walking.
The owner locks up and see's the giraffe laying there. He shouts over to the 3 men.
"Hey! you can leave it lying here"
One man turns and shouts "Okay, well leave the giraffe there"

A Jehovas Witness knocked on my door last night. I asked him in, sat him down and said "Right, what do you want to talk about ?" He said "f**k knows - I've never got this far before"..

After a 69 with his bird.Bob 4got he had a Dentist appointment. Afraid they wud smell fanny on his breath,he brushed his teeth,dental flossed,a bottle of Listerine & ate a packet of mints.Feeling confident in the Dentists chair,he opened his mouth. The dentist got close & said Did u ave a 69 b4 u got here? How did u guess,Does my breath smell of fanny? No he replied, U have a skidmark on your forehead.

genesreunited.co.uk

The fastest growing dating website in Swansea

I'm sweating more than Josef Fritzl on Grand Designs

80yr old man walks In2 Jewellers wiv a gorgeous 25yr old fit blonde & asks 4a special ring 4 the lady, jeweller says Heres 1 £5000 old man says No i want a special ring, So he pulls 1 out £65,000. Thats the 1, i'll write a cheque & when it clears on Monday we will come & fetch it. On Monday jeweller phones old man & says Theres no money in the account. Old man says l know but can U imagine the fuckin weekend l've had

Spent some time at the wife's grave last night. God bless her... She thinks I'm digging a pond...

An Essex maths teacher asks young Tracy, "What comes after 69?"
She says, "Wet wipes and mouth wash miss."

Brilliant.

Anyone ever played with themselves in hospital before?

My fav film.

10 Ipads for sale,£10 each,selling fast.

Paddy & Murphy arrive at a fancy dress party. The theme was Emotions. Most people dressed in colours associated with feelings. Red-anger, green-envy, yellow-cowardice. They look shocked 2 c Paddy naked with his cock lodged in a pear & Murphy with his cock in a bowl of custard. When asked wat they ad come as Paddy says, 'Well l'm deep in dis-pear' & Murphy said 'And l'm fuckin dis-custard!!'

Black man goes to the doctors and says "Everytime i have sex with a white woman my eyes begin to sting!"
The Doctor says "That'll be the pepper spray!"


A teacher asks the class to name things that end with "Tor" that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator." "Very good , thats a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator" "Yes, thats another big word. Well done,"
Little Johnny says "Vibrator" After nearly falling off her chair, she says
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything"
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats nfucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"



Just adopted a black kid i've named him Google, might as well the fuckers going to be searched everywhere he goes.


My Budgie broke its leg today so i made him a little splint out of a couple of swan vesta's.........his little face lit up when he tried to walk!!


I watched intently as the "other" woman slowly peeled off my girlfriend's panties,
and stared closely as she delicately inserted her fingers into my girlfriend's pussy.
Naturally, i undid my trousers and started wanking.......
Midwives eh?Got no f*cking sense of humour at all