Midweek Jokes ...

Some people don't know the meaning of hygiene. There I was with my friend, in the cemetery, digging up a corpse to f**k it up its arse. After we managed to dig it up and have our way with it, my friend says: "What if the police come, take sperm samples and find out it was us? Let's destroy the evidence."

So he sticks a straw up the arse and starts sucking. At some point he looks up to me and says: "I've had enough! You have a go."

Disgusted, I said: "f**k off, thats disgusting! Not with the same straw!"

Emile Heskey goes to the library & says "Have you got the Idiots Guide To The Net?"

Librarian says "Sorry, we lent that out 6 months ago to a Fernando Torres."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the milkman dead on the porch.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the milkman dead on the porch.

Some people don't know the meaning of hygiene. There I was with my friend, in the cemetery, digging up a corpse to f**k it up its arse. After we managed to dig it up and have our way with it, my friend says: "What if the police come, take sperm samples and find out it was us? Let's destroy the evidence."

So he sticks a straw up the arse and starts sucking. At some point he looks up to me and says: "I've had enough! You have a go."

Disgusted, I said: "f**k off, thats disgusting! Not with the same straw!"

that nearly made me puke

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
Is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
Boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
Feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
Attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because
Lions eat anything..

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.. He grabs the spade and
Smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because
Lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees

"Is it in yet?"

"Nope"

"How about now?"

"Not even close"

"Is it in now?"

"No"

"Is it close?"

"Not at all"

"How do you do this?"

"For f**k sake Mary, get out the car and let me park it.

"Is it in yet?"

"Nope"

"How about now?"

"Not even close"

"Is it in now?"

"No"

"Is it close?"

"Not at all"

"How do you do this?"

"For f**k sake Mary, get out the car and let me park it.

Teacher "Where's Pakistan?"
Little Johnny "In the playground with Paki Steve"

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been
living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for f***s sake, some of us have got
homes to go to!'


Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big
fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting
your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b*stard, I was talking to the cat!'


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small
white patch, so I've named him Birmingham .


In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and
says, 'Curry Ok?'
I said, 'go on then, just one song then bugger off'


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom
machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.


Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been
living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for f***s sake, some of us have got
homes to go to!'


Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big
fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting
your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or
lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b*stard, I was talking to the cat!'


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small
white patch, so I've named him Birmingham .


In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and
says, 'Curry Ok?'
I said, 'go on then, just one song then bugger off'


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn
cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom
machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.


Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

Love that one lol

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I have not eaten for two days'

I told him 'I wish I had your will power'



I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things
commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.




A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'Sorry
about the wait.'
I said 'don't worry fatty, you'll lose it eventually '




I walked past an aboriginal kid apparently begging at a Bus Stop as I

came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said 'Any Change' I said
'Nope! You're still Black'




Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting six
Inches tonight..... I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!




An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks What is wrong??
The boy says Me ma is dead
Oh bejaysus the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?’
The boy replies ‘No thanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at
the moment’.




I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and
I always end up in bed with them.
Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does
this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'





Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best!




Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth closed.



I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to
yourself I'm going to take that.



Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and
sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I?’
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ye don’t kid me ye
flash b*stard. You're in that feckin basket’.



I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question
which I got wrong. The question was "Where do women have the curliest
hair?"
Apparently, the answer I should have given was Fiji ..



The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.....

One lazy Sunday morning,the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful
sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly,
"When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that ?", she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't
want some other arsehole using my stuff ", I replied.
She looked at me intently and said,
"What makes you think I'd marry another arsehole?"



A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "A car" and gets a similar answer.
Little Johnny says " At my house we don't need nothin'."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Johnny replies, "no, I'm sure."
"When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying "Well that's all we f*cking need."



A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her new outfit before going out.

She posed this way and that before her husband, who looked on with disinterest, then remarked,
"Your bum is the size of a 3-burner barbecue!"
Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed he lent over, tapped her on the shoulder, and said,
"How about it?”
She replied "No thanks, It's not worth lighting the whole barbecue for half a sausage!"

Boy: Come on baby let's go
Girl: I'm not sure I should, it's my first time
Boy: Everyone goes through this at some point, it's all part of growing up
Girl: Well, will it hurt?
Boy: No, honestly, it'll be fine
Girl: I'll be holding on to you, kicking and screaming all the time
Boy: That's okay, that's what I'm here for
Girl: Are you sure it won't be embarrassing?
Boy: No...
Girl: Are we safe?
Boy: Yes, we've got lots of protection.
Girl: What does it feel like?
Boy: Exhilarating, your heart rate increases, and the adrenalin rush is second to none baby.
Girl: I'm still not sure...
Boy: For f*ck's sake, woman, it's a bloody rollercoaster!!

When my wife said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking....
Then I saw her face...

whats black and dont work?