Friday night joke thread.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'

Courtesy of Tommy Cooper!

3 nuns die in a car crash and go up to heaven. St Peter's at the pearly gates and he says "Before you come in i'm afraid you will each have to answer a question". He says to the first nun "What was the name of the first woman on Earth?" and she says "Eve!". St Peter says "Well done, you're in". Then he says to the second nun "Where did Eve live?" and she says "In the Garden of Eden!" St Peter says "Yep, well done you're in as well". Then he says to the third nun, who was a Mother Superior, "I'm affraid the question is going to have to be a bit more difficult for you" so he asks "What was the first thing Eve said when she first saw Adam?". The Mother Superior pauses for a second, scratches her head and says "Ooh that's a hard one!" and St Peter says "Yep your in!".

Sorry, just caught the end of The Vicar of Dibley.

I got stopped by a woman police officer while driving home last night. She said " get out of the car and walk towards the patrol car" I did as I was told, she then said "you're staggering" I said " you're not so fecking bad yourself love".

Make sure your insured for sex.

With your wife= Legal & General.

Phone sex=Direct Line.

With you partner=Standard Life.

With a transvestite=Confused. Com.
With somebody different = Go compare.

With a fat bird=More than.

With a posh bird=Privileged

here we go
A teacher is starting her new job in Wales. She asks the class which of them support Swansea. Every child in the class puts their hand up except one little boy. The teacher asks, "Peter, who do you support?" The little boy replies, "Cardiff." The teacher asks him why that is. "Because my dad supports them, and I want to be like him." The teacher says, "That's no reason. What if your dad supported a team that never wins anything?" "Then I'd be a Swansea fan," Peter replies.

and another
There were three football fans climbing a mountain. A Liverpool fan, a Cardiff fan and a Swansea fan. All were arguing who supports their team the most. The Liverpool fan goes, "This is for Liverpool fans all over the world." And jumps off the mountain. The Cardiff fan goes to the Swansea fan, "This is for Cardiff fans all over the world." And throws the Swansea fan off the mountain!

I'm doing a charity gig on Sunday night for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Dont worry if you can't come.




Sometimes, you've really got to hand it to short people... because often they can't reach it.

i walked into the bedroom and my wife was asleep with a pen in her pussy
and a completed crossword in her hand... i thought what a clever c**t!!!!

2 liars argue who could lie the most, one says, i went up niagra falls in a canoe yesterday, the other says, yes i saw you...

I threw my missus a surprise bukkake party last night....

Awww, you should have seen her face.

I threw my missus a surprise bukkake party last night....

Awww, you should have seen her face.

I know i was there