OK JOKE THREAD TIME

I went to a tattooists and asked for a celtic band on my arm, He did a picture of the f*cking Pogues.

My wife laughed at me because i struggled to get a proper full on erection.
I told her ''Its a lot harder than it looks''

The Sun:

Kerry Katona 'Men Keep Chasing After Me in the Street '

They are called drug dealers Kerry.

Pay your debts.

To be fair to United, they did have some major injuries tonight, no Rio Ferdinand, no Anderson, no Owen Hargreaves..... and no Howard Webb

A jelly baby goes to see his doctor,
"doctor, doctor I think I've got an std" said the jelly baby
"How can you" replied the doctor "your a jelly baby"
"But doc, I've been sleeping with all sorts!"

what is the difference between fagin from oliver twist and arsene wenger?

When fagin sent the kids out they come back with silverwear

BBC News: Insurers cannot charge different premiums to men and women because of their gender, the European Court of Justice (ECJ) has ruled.

Well Sheila's Wheels, you're fucked!

Does anyone have Oxfam's number? I just got my water bill and then heard on the TV that Oxfam can supply a family with water for just £2 a month! I want to swap f****** suppliers!

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all stranded on an island. They've been there for years, when one day the englishman finds a lamp buried in the sand. He starts to polish it and out pops a genie.
Oh thank you master says the genie, I will grant you all one wish! The Englishman says...Oh how I'd love to be at Lords sipping a Gin and Tonic, watching the cricket.
Big flash, cloud of smoke and he's gone! The scotsman says...see you jimmy,I wish I was at Hampden Park with a few mates watching the football. Big flash , cloud of smoke and he's gone! The Irishman says "Bejesus its gonna be awful lonely here without them, can you bring them back"????

Does anyone have Oxfam's number? I just got my water bill and then heard on the TV that Oxfam can supply a family with water for just £2 a month! I want to swap f****** suppliers!

I was a spectator at a track and field event last week, and a guy walked past me with a really long, thin case.
I said "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "No I'm German but how did you know my name?"

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand

I was a spectator at a track and field event last week, and a guy walked past me with a really long, thin case.
I said "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "No I'm German but how did you know my name?"

He keeps his sporting equipment in a pole vault?

To be fair to United, they did have some major injuries tonight, no Rio Ferdinand, no Anderson, no Owen Hargreaves..... and no Howard Webb

I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1.I do physical labor.
2.I work at great depths.
3.I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4.I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5.I work in a damp environment.
6.I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7.I work in high temperatures, often convulse and throw up
8.My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Yours Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response :
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1.You do not work 8 hours straight.
2.You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3.You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4.You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5.You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6.U leave the work place rather messy at the end of ur shift!
7.You don't always observe necessary safety regulations such as wearing the protective clothing!
8.U will retire before u are 65.
9.U are unable 2 work double shifts.
10.U sometimes leave ur designated work place before u have completed a task...
11.And as if that were not all, u have been seen constantly exiting and entering a work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely...
V. Gina

I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1.I do physical labor.
2.I work at great depths.
3.I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4.I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5.I work in a damp environment.
6.I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
7.I work in high temperatures, often convulse and throw up
8.My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Yours Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response :
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
1.You do not work 8 hours straight.
2.You fall asleep after brief work periods.
3.You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4.You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
5.You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
6.U leave the work place rather messy at the end of ur shift!
7.You don't always observe necessary safety regulations such as wearing the protective clothing!
8.U will retire before u are 65.
9.U are unable 2 work double shifts.
10.U sometimes leave ur designated work place before u have completed a task...
11.And as if that were not all, u have been seen constantly exiting and entering a work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely...
V. Gina

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says"if your heart is a soft as your breast, i know you'll forgive me"
She replies, "If your cock is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 564"

A young man called Martin wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's Christmas present.

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful
consideration,
he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too
romantic and not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a
dainty pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the
sister got the gloves and the sweetheart the panties.

Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and
sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

Dear Maria,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones
with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled at all.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little tight on her.
She also told me that her pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean
and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun
wearing them.
I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no
doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many lips will kiss them during the coming years. I
hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love Martin.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.

Jamie .......... you and Gwyn should get togethor and produce a mega joke book