JOKE THREAD FOR TONIGHT

Rooney and Fanni on the same pitch.
He might actually try to score tonight.

I was smoking some skunk when the RSPCA knocked on the door...

Went to a fancy dress part yesterday ....... went as a loaf of bread ...... birds wouldn't leave me alone

What's the best thing about being a Man U fan?

Not living in Manchester.

Fabio Capello has brokered a new sponsorship deal with Odor-Eaters for the next outing of the England squad.

He said, "This is the perfect partnership because we are both used to trying to mask the smell of defeat."

swansea

Went to a fancy dress part yesterday ....... went as a loaf of bread ...... birds wouldn't leave me alone

Everytime I turn on the news I keep hearing about the troubles between Sunni and Shia. There's alot changed since they recorded "I got you Babe"

f*cking Poles coming along stealing our jobs

f**k you Wojciech Szczesny


yours sincerely Manuel Almunia

f*cking Poles coming along stealing our jobs

f**k you Wojciech Szczesny


yours sincerely Manuel Almunia

Marseille have got Fanni at right back. Which is a coincidence, as Man Utd used to have a c**t there until he retired a couple of weeks ago.

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Murphy says to Paddy "I'm gona get meself sent home by pretending to be mad"

Paddy says "Now just how are you gonna do that?"

Murphy replies "I'm gonna hang upside down on that cross member and pretend to be a lightbulb so I am"

So Murphy climbs up and hangs by his legs. He shouts "Bejaysus and Gomorrah, look at me I'm a lightbulb"

The site foreman comes in and says "Fuckoff home Murphy, you're mad"

So Murphy packs his shit up and starts to leave

The foreman turns round to see Paddy packing his shit up too.

"Where the f**k do you think you're going?" says the foreman.

Murphy replies.....

"Well oim not working in the dark"

BBC News: Forced marriage 'action needed'

I agree. I was a victim of forced marriage, and I'm getting no action whatsoever.

Everytime I turn on the news I keep hearing about the troubles between Sunni and Shia. There's alot changed since they recorded "I got you Babe"

quality mate...im in tears here

My girlfriend and I often roleplay in the bedroom. She pretends she's Catwoman and I pretend that I love her.

This one wont last long as its a Nukes Joke

A Pakistani and a Irishman and a Welshman are sentenced to 20 lashes plus each get 1 wish. The Pakistani asks for a pillow to be tied to his back, but the pillow bursts after 10 lashes.
Irishman asks for two pillows but they burst after 15. The whipper says to the Welshman as you come from a beautiful Country you get two wishes". The Welshman says "give me 100 lashes". The whipper says f**k me Chief "whats your second wish ?" The Welshman says tie the Paki to my back

I was fingering my Sister yesterday in the bedroom when my Mum walked in. She was understandably very upset, But she looked a lot happier when i said i found Dads wedding ring

Roman Abramovich was asked by a Virgin to autograph her piss flaps. f**k off.......He said the last time i signed a useless c**t it cost me 50 million

A bloke on a tractor just went past my house shouting, "The end of the world is nigh !!"
I think it was Farmer Geddon

The Wife phoned me last night and said "You better come to the hospital, my Mother hasn't got long to live !" And i replied you know Cardiff are playing tonight" She said record it and watch it later,"
You should of seen her face when i turned up at the Hospital with my Camcorder and the tripod....!!

big gay ray goes to the doctors for a test. the doc comes back and says "ray u have aids" "is ther anything i can do about it ?" asks gay ray."well you could eat 20 bowls of bran flakes 30 burgers 30 vindaloo currys 60 packets of crisps 12 hot dogs 50 bottles of tobasco and a whole chicken " replied the doctor "and that will cure it ? " questions gay ray ."no but it will teach you what your arse is for you queer prick !!!!" replies the doc

Man says to wife. " Our sex life is getting stale and boring, do you want to play a rape game?" "NO!" she says. He replies, "That's the spirit."

Man says to wife. " Our sex life is getting stale and boring, do you want to play a rape game?" "NO!" she says. He replies, "That's the spirit."

quality !

Mick McCarthy
We can still stay up this season

Mick, not even viagra can help you stay up now

A Welshman, An Englishman and a Irishman all die on Christmas eve, and arrive at the big golden gates greeted by Saint Peter.
Saint Peter says "To get into Heaven, they each needed 1 thing on them to represent Christmas"

The Welshman looks in his pocket and pulls out his keys and jingles them, "They are Bells"
Saint Peter let's him pass...

The Englishman checks his coat pocket an pulls out a lighter, "It is a candel"
Sanit Peter let's him pass...

Finally the Irishman pulls out his 10in willy, confused Saint Peter says "How the f**k does that represent Christmas?" The Irishman says "It's a cracker ain't it"

To recreate having sex with fat women.

Body flop naked on a bouncy castle.

Two homosexuals are f*cking in a house when it catches fire. Which one will get out first, the one giving or the one receiving?
Receiving - His shit is packed already.

Ordered a chinese meal las nite. so this little chinese fella turns up, hands me the meal an says "£20 prease". I smiled an said to him "Ere, wots the name of Jordan's blind son". He said "Harfey Price". So i said " Right ere's ya tenner, now f**k off"

Indian builder killed in roof collapse during construction of stage set for Lionel Ritchie. The site forman said the last thing he saw was Dan singh on the ceiling.

The other day I saw a magic beanstalk, so I decided to climb it. As I went up, I saw the ugliest woman you've ever seen naked on a leaf.
She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
Without thinking, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw wasn't bad. I mean, you would do her, but you wouldn't brag about it.
She too beckoned to me saying, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
So again, I carried on climbing. The next woman I saw was beautiful, I mean, really really hot.
She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
I could only think of what the next woman would be like, so carried on climbing, and was shocked to see an old man stood on a leaf naked.
I was so outraged, I said, "Who the f**k are you?"
He replied, "I'm Cess."